MPH 2008

Play it my way, kids, and you’ll save rock’n’roll

The London Symphony Orchestra is a tribute band. It simply turns up and plays music written by someone else

Fingers on buzzers, you bunch of ignorant twerps

Quiz shows should be designed to humiliate the stupid. There must be debates on Ibsen in Coronation Street

Don’t let banks lose your money – do it yourself

I don’t give a shit about an orderly fashion, any more than a man in the trenches wants to look smart while running for his life

Hey, let’s live fast and die when ministers tell us to

I hate the uncertainty. I hate the idea that later I might sit on the suction pump in my swimming pool and have my intestinal tract pulled clean out...

Miss Street-Porter, I have a job for you in Cambodia

Others would say that we have enough problems on our own shores without getting all teary over the children of Mr Pot. I disagree

Peep in my wife’s knicker drawer and see what you get

If a prime minister can’t keep his pecker in his trousers, then how do we know he can’t keep his fingers off the button that fires the...

By ’eck, our funny accents are the envy of the world

In Britain you can drive for just one day and each time you stop for petrol, the cashier will sound different

Working while on holiday is...wow, just look at that

I wanted to write this morning about Australia’s immigration policy. But sadly, each time I look out of the window, I’m consumed by the...

Now we’re for it: we’ve stopped behaving badly

Before the world became so po-faced, no one batted an eyelid at drug-fuelled orgies

Look, Mr McChap - you’re part of Britain, so just get over it

Rabble-rousing does not happen in other countries to anything like this extent. Because their tennis crowds have manners

Dante’s new hell: my work canteen

I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised to hear last week that Currys has seen a big fall in profits. Of course it has. It’s ironing board...

Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers

At least a lap-dancing club brings a bit of individuality to a town, a bit of a respite from the endless chain stores

Swim with sharks — it’s easy money

When Boris took over the Greater London Authority, the gravy train for lunatics was halted

It’s just a dumb animal, Mr Oddie

Time and time again, nature presenters portray dolphins as bright. But compared with what - a table lamp? A lobster?

Argh! I’ve fallen into a speed trap

The Hay literary festival, in essence, is a competition to see who can dream up the most idiotic way of cleaning their teeth

I was assaulted by a Japanese loo

The Japanese economy is in a mess because all their top people are stuck in their bathrooms, unable to wipe their bottoms

Feed them, or they’ll slash all the seats

Why can’t someone open a restaurant in the provinces that serves bread, cheese, Branston pickle and some onions?

Pricking science’s silly sausages

If you believed everything these scientists say you’d never dare get up. You’d be terrified that a tomato might turn you into Joan Collins