Jeremy Clarkson
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From
August 3, 2008
Citroën Berlingo Multispace
Click here to see pictures of the Citroën Berlingo Multispace
Sarah Brown, the wife of our prime minister, is a complete mystery. For all I know, she collects fish, is qualified to fly fighter jets, has two left feet and sounds exactly like that woman with the broom in the Tom and Jerry cartoons. You even have to say “Sarah Brown, the wife of the prime minister”. Which was unnecessary with Cherie Blair or Denis Thatcher.
All I do know is that she looked at the country’s 28m men and thought: “No. They are all horrid except for Gordon.” Which must mean she’s a bit odd. And let’s be honest here shall we; like all women in and around British politics (with the notable exception of Samantha Cameron), she’s not exactly a purring sex kitten.
Things are very different in Italy where Silvio Berlusconi has filled his entire cabinet with ex-glamour models. And naturally, this brings me on to France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy.
Unlike anyone in British politics, he attained high office and responded immediately by replacing his wife with the almost impossibly gorgeous Carla Bruni. Her mother is a concert pianist, her sister an actress and film director, and she’s an heiress to an Italian tyre fortune. We’re talking good genes here. And you can see them all in those cheekbones. I’m very much in love with Carla.
More than that, I’m very much in love with the French for taking her into their hearts. That’d never happen here. Imagine, if you will, Gordon Brown winning an election (hard, I know) and then ditching Sarah for Abi Titmuss. He wouldn’t last a week.
Weirdly, however, while the French like a good-looking woman in the Elysée Palace, they plainly have trouble with aesthetics in other departments. Take the oyster as an example. I have no idea who first cracked one open, peered at the snot inside and thought: “Mmm. I’m going to put that in my mouth.” But I bet he was French.
Of course, Paris is a fine and handsome city but the man who dreamt up those 12 wide boulevards radiating from the Arc de Triomphe was called Haussmann. And while he was born in France, his parents were from the disputed province of Alsace. Which technically makes their son an Alsatian. Which means he was a dog.
It’s also true, of course, that Parisian women are very elegant but I always think they were put on earth to make Italian clothes look good. And have you ever been in a Frenchman’s house? Holy cow. It’s an orgy or horror: antimacassars, Dralon, floral wallpaper, Formica and chintz. The minimalist Danish look completely passed them all by, leaving them all stuck in Huddersfield, in 1952.
France itself is a beautiful part of the world and the French language is spoken honey - unless it’s being used in a pop song, obviously; in which case it’s as attractive as an inside-out horse.
But just about everything the French make or do is lumpen, ugly or odd. This is especially true of their cars.
If you asked anyone to name the 10 best-looking cars ever made, not a single person with functioning retinas would put a French car on their list. Renault occasionally does something appealing like the Avantime, but mostly it believes we’ll buy its cars specifically because they’ve got big arses. Peugeot can do a good-looking car but only when it pays Pininfarina to design it. Left to its own devices, it mostly does bland, with occasional gusts of awfulness like the 309. That really was a mobile wart.
That leaves Citroën and, of course, what it has done mostly over the years is best described as, er . . . brave. It’s hard, really, when it presents a new car to find the right word. It’s best to imagine Heston Blumenthal has just asked you, eagerly, to try his new dog turd-flavoured ice cream. You can’t be honest and say: “That was terrible.” So you go for “brave” or “very striking”.
Today, though, Citroën is starting to buck the trend. The C5 is exceptionally good looking. The C6 has great presence, and if you drive through town in a C4, no one is going to point and laugh. But then, just when you think Citroën has got the idea, out pops the new Berlingo.
The old one was just a van with windows and it struck a chord. Oh sure, it looked like a frog that had sat on a spike, but there was something rather appealing about the nononsenseness of a box with seats. Especially as it retailed for about 60p.
Sadly, with the new version, they’ve tried to disguise the window cleaner origins with chrome this and flared that. What they’ve ended up with is a plumber in a tux. It looks and feels completely wrong. Almost certainly, then, you will see it and immediately decide to buy something else. This would be very big mistake.
I’ll start with the problems. Um . . . Well, the tailgate is so huge that when you push the button it will rise up, and unless you’re standing well back - which you won’t be because you’ve just pushed the button - it will smash into the underside of your chin and remove your whole head. This would become wearisome. But aside from this upside-down guillotine feature, and the British female politician looks, the rest of the car is an object lesson in common sense.
Prices start at less than £11,000, which is very low for something with this amount of interior space. It rides more smoothly than a Jaguar XJ8 - they should have called it the Aeroglisseur - and it is the first car ever to come with a loft. I mean it. There is an internal roofbox into which, I’m fairly certain, you could fit a pair of modern-day skis. And that’s just the start. There are so many cubbyholes and oddment stowage boxes that you could hide a priest in there and never find him again.
The car I tested had a 90 horsepower diesel, which meant I couldn’t go very fast. But on the long straight between Shipston on Stour and Chipping Norton, I did get past a tractor in just 18 minutes. So it’s not the end of the world. And better still, it should do 40mpg easily.
It’s a good car, the Berlingo. And in these difficult times, it makes even more sense than usual.
THE CLARKSOMETER
Citroën Berlingo Multispace
Clarkson’s Verdict A good car for bad times
ENGINE 1560cc, four cylinder
POWER 90bhp at 4000rpm
TORQUE 159 lb ft @ 1750rpm
TRANSMISSON Five-speed manual
FUEL 49.6mpg (combined)
CO2 150g/km
ACCELERATION 0-62mph: 14.3sec
TOP SPEED 100mph
PRICE £11,905
TAX BAND C (£120 for 12 months)
come on guys and dolls and Jeremy.
The Citroen DS is and was the ultimate car of all times. All today's modern boring cars simply pale into insignificance. There will never be another.
Next time you see one in the flesh, take 20 paces backwards, look and observe.
Leon, Cape Town, RSA
Talbot Lago - Specifically the T-150 CSS, is in running for most beautiful car ever made, and its french.
Robb Kremer, Detroit, USA
So. What we are saying here is that "Jeremy Clarkson is French?"
Richard B.
richard bohnet, CANNES, france
"I seem to remember Renault made a super looking little car in the sixties. I can't remember its name, or whether it was any good but it was low and looked quite dishy."
It was called the Renault 4L and it was their answer to the popularity of the Citroen 2CV. Similar suspension, gearshift, etc..
Ian Olive, Nanteuil, France
Ugly and odd? What a hypocrite!
Andras, Northington,
I seem to remember Renault made a super looking little car in the sixties. I can't remember its name, or whether it was any good but it was low and looked quite dishy
Phil de Buquet, Newport,
German diesels ?. Just drove back from Southern Italy - hard shoulder cluttered with broken down German cars, like a sort of Teutonic bus-lane. German reliability may be another urban myth.
Peter, Leintwardine, UK
It is not the French that make the best diesel engines. It is VW-Audi and BMW , ie the Germans!
Yiannis, Prestonpans, UK
Having had three Berlingo's and just orderd the all new version
I agree with Mr Clarkson. It is a modern common sense Morris Minor Traveller replacement with great economy at a sensible pprice.
Simon, Thompson, Isle of Wight
I agree when discussing Citroen or Renault. But I'm in love with my Peugeot 107, and think it's the best city car that's come out in years.
Julian Borg Barthet, Sliema, Malta
Its funny how stylish the French tell everyone they are, but when it comes to fashions, cars and food, they would always come 2nd to the Italians!
The French make probably the world's best diesel engines, but they should give up on building cars, which are mobile eye sores at best.
Peter, W-S-M, UK
As Kinky Friedman said:'' the French hate everybody except Jerry Lewis''.
gwilym rhys-jones, costa del sol, spain
Not just the DS. I had a Renault GTA V6 turbo which was beautiful and wonderful to drive. In a straight line.
reidy, York,
"Which means he was a dog." That's funny.
Anyway, look at the alpine A110 for a really good looking car.
Roberto Gardini, Brescia, Italy
Ben in Strasbourg,
You may get Jerry Lewis, but you don't get Jeremy Clarkson.
Tobias, Calgary, Canada
No good looking French cars ?
What about the Panhard PL17 and 24 of around 1956-61 - just look for pictures on google images.
Brian Hancock, Rugby, U.K.
Peugeot 309! My dad had one of these when I was about 7 or 8. In white. Back then, I didn't think much of it, because I didn't care about cars. But now, with Top Gear as my favourtie program, I can look back and say it was horrid. It looked like a Nissan Sunny, which was as low as you can get!
Chris Jordan, Belfast, Northern Ireland
The French do this, the Brits do that, the Italians act this way... Can we please get rid of clichés about nations and what people living in these countries are all supposed to be and to do? All the more ridiculous as the initial point was an ugly Citroen Berlingo, not a masterpiece of civilization
Ben, Strasbourg, France
Actually, Claude Debussy WAS quite ugly.
Frank Upton, Solihull,
DS this, DS that - what about a Venturi Atlantique? That's a fine-looking French creation.
Julian, Twickenham, UK
from Napoleon to cars to Carla, when the french need to do something remarkable, they have to turn to us italians... apart from baking croissants, of course, where they are the indisputed masters
Pietro B, SP, Italy
The designer of the Citroën DS was the italian designer Flaminio Bertoni.
Alberto, Firenze,
Watch Jeremy Clarkson's interview with Christine Scott-Thomas - on YouTube - and you will see why he loves France.
This lady has everything that Carla Bruni-Tedeschi has - and more.
The French buy motor cars to convey themselves from A to B.
Not like the Brits who wish to convey how rich they are.
M STANISTREET, NERAC, FRANCE 47
I've been all over France like a rash. However France beautiful? The women stylish? The architecture to be found there striking and radical? France is a home for the trencherman to be sure but I've endured some pretty horrible dinners there too. I prefer Italy...
Gordon Holmes, Birmingham, GB
Jeremy. The most famous designer of all times was Ettore Bugatti, an Italian like Carla Bruni, no doubt you have a bugatti in your garage.
vittorio romano, la roche chalais, france
"If you asked anyone to name the 10 best-looking cars ever made, not a single person with functioning retinas would put a French car on their list".
Yes they would - Citroen DS.
Ari, Plymouth, Devon
Sorry to be picky Paul Bhre of the USA. The car is a CITROËN not a citron...and apart from that, what's your point?
sarah, france, france
Clearly Merikans can't spell (German or otherwise). Citron is lemon, the car is a Citroën. But don't let that stop the relentless Stateside French-bashing...
Graham, Sheffield, UK
My dark green XM 2.5 turbo diesel was the real business, not just in looks but in performance. Sold it after 10 years totally trouble free motoring at an average 40 plus mpg or if you must 7.7litr per 100ks
Ayliff A McNab, Orihuela Costa, Spain
It's the best car for dog owners. You can get 5 large ones in the back and there's lots of handle type things to tie a lead to. It's low on the ground so short legged and elderly dogs can climb in and if you don't like the back door there are 2 sliding doors at the side. I love this car.
Mrs P, Norwich, UK
"With the notable exception of Samantha Cameron"..... Samantha Cameron is no sex kitten... in fact she's the only female I have ever seen who manages to look both pre-pubescent and post-menopausal simultaneously, like a 12 year old frump with a mother with 'issues' who's cut her hair herself...
Jo, Canterbury , UK
"But just about everything the French make or do is lumpen, ugly or odd."
What about Debussy?
Not that you've probably heard of him.
paul, London,
The Berlingo has many uses. Tip trips, picking up wedding dresses and even changing grandson's nappy in the big platform in the boot. My 95 year old mother also loves to be taken out in it. Have even pretended to granddaughter that it was an aeroplane but it didn't quite take off.
Maureen Metcalf, Selby, England
The call their company "The Lemon?" Like I would want to buy a lemon? Being of Pennsylvania Dutch extract who's ancestors besides being Swabish, Irish, English, Dutch, the Pennsylvania Dutch ancestors were Alsatian and we don't consider ourselves dog's or even French, we are German American's,
Paul Bahre, Granby, CT, USA
And how about the Traction Avant, DS and CX, Jeremy?
Cars that are landmarks in car history. Uunsurpassed in elegance of design.
Hans Vogelzang, amsterdam, The Netherlands
French cars and electric cars seem to have one thing in common, it's as if the designer/stylists feel obligated in some way to produce something that is absolutely hideous, which is a terrible shame as the mechanicals are often excellent.
Lets hope they dont start making French electric cars!
Clive Burghard, Lancing, ENGLAND
This being a French car, and the French are not the bravest people in the world, does the car have 4 reverse gears?
Jack, London, UK
i think from my point of view that english people are the oddest one.
they want to be part of euro without the euro. they drive on the other side than other european country.
Citroen are making good car don't be jalous about them. it is for pa or mum but they are ok :)
Thomas, Liège, Belgium
Jeremy,
Was the tractor stationary?
Steve, Sydney, Australia
"The DS was one of the best looking cars of all time. The Traction Avant had a classy look",
of course, and the designer of all these models, plus the Mathis, the 2Cv and other Citroen cars, was the almost unknown italian Flaminio Bertoni, who worked for C. from 1932 to the Sixties!
Marco, Milan,
The Citroën DS was and possibly still is the most beautiful car in the world.
Isn't it about time that you quoted fuel consumption in litres per 100kms like the rest of Europe? Come on, when did you last buy a gallon of petrol?
One might also remark that acceleration 0-62 is really 0-100km!
Peter GODDARD, Le Rouret, France, EU
Jeremy Clarkson, why do not you write an article on the italian designer Flamio Bertoni, who designed the most famous models of Citroen from the 30's to the 60's. Citroner did never want to let the world know that he was the artifex of their fortune...
Francesco, Milan,
everything the French make or do is lumpen, ugly or odd...
then jeremy must be french!!!
taryn, london,
I live in France, as one does, and love the tension between JC's desire to be rude as a patriotic Englishman, and his admiration for the French way of life and some of their motors.
But, as a patriotic Englishman, I too have fallen in love with Carla, pathetic isn't it !!
Nick, St Ouen, France
Is the TGV ugly?Is Paris ( it is a man made creation) ugly?
Is Yves Saint laurent and the haute couture ugly?Is Pierre Frey fabrics, Elitis, Canovas. etc... some of the worlds best brands in man made are they ugly ?Is Stracks work ugly?
Come on you are better educated than that !
Anne, London , United Kingdom
Caroline Flint is quite a cutie
Ian, Scarborough,
It does however,come loaded with many standard features for such a cheap car.You get a laminated windscreen and internally adjustable door mirrors (2 of them I believe).The front seat can seat not 2 but 3 people and is shod in velour,not cheap plastic.Tinted glass is also standard as are disc brakes
stephen hulton, eure, france
Surely the DS would be in the Top 10?
Patrick, Adelaide, Australia
Sorry Jeremy but the Citroen DS is definitely in the top 10 best looking cars ever made. You just forgot about it, didn't you. ;-)
Matt Davis, London, United Kingdom
Not a single person with functioning retinas would put a French car on their list of 10 best looking cars? What about the Citroën DS, Jeremy?
Carl Schultz, Adelaide, Australia
Your no picture jeremy, dosen't make you french though! what about putting your weight behind us other ugly Dads on the Times Family Law campaign? we might all flurish one day!
Dave Farmer, Broxbourne, England
Oysters: Roman delicacy.
LN, Bristol,
Those wide boulevards ? Oh for the days of less sneaky government. Those boulevards were designed that wide so that the government could mount cavalry charges down them, in case of civil unrest.
D Murphy, Skipton,
Nothing ugly about a Citroen-Maserati...
Eric S, LAS VEGAS, USA
The DS was one of the best looking cars of all time. The Traction Avant had a classy look. It just went downhill when the shark eyes came in in 1968.
I love the C6 though. Getting back to the front with that one. Have you seen the thing where the speedometer is projected on the windscreen?
Thalia, London,
You couldn't have said "Denis Thatcher, the wife of the prime minister". That would have been silly.
John B, Middlesbrough, Upper englandshire
Hello Clarky,
I've got one of those 'funny' Berlingo's you wax lyrical about. Simply put, it's the best motor I've ever had, French or non!
Enjoy your shows & your patios. Keep up the good work.
WJD
Mr W J Dunn, Consett, England
"And have you ever been in a Frenchman’s house?"
Diantre ! it was supposed to be our best kept silly secret !
Citroën is well known to make cars for elders. I know it, my father has had a DS, a Dyane (a ugly version of the cute 2CV), a BX, a Xantia, a C4...
Funny comment anyway, bravo.
Jean-Michel MUYL, Montereau-fault-Yonne, France
Brilliant! Clarkson you are a comic genius
Dave R, london,
"If you asked anyone to name the 10 best-looking cars ever made, not a single person with functioning retinas would put a French car on their list."
Dear, dear Jeremy, how could you forget the DS? Simply stunning from any angle, especially a black DS23 in Pallas trim.
Matt, Hove, UK
Dear Jeremy,
this is the most entertaining car review I have ever read! Thank you for making my Sunday morning. By the way my wife drives the Renault Twingo and as a very faithful BMW driver for many years, I must admit it is the first car apart from a BMW that gives me real driving pleasure too.
Peter, Frankfurt, Germany
Dear Mr Clarkson, Pleaes can you arrange to show series 1 of Top Gear on Dave
Mrs Dawe, London, Englandshire
Jeremy - Why is it I can see repeats of every series of Top Gear on Dave - usually during the same day. But never series one. Why? Why? Why? Whats wrong with Jason.
Jason Dawe, london, englandshire