Jeremy Clarkson
Hitchcock
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From The Sunday Times
February 4, 2007
Megane Renaultsport 230 F1 Team R26
A case of power corrupting absolutely
A couple of weeks ago Sir David Attenborough went on the BBC — an Establishment double act that’s hard to top — and explained exactly what global warming would mean for Britain.
In short, some householders in Worcester will need new carpets every time it rains, the Glasgow sewers will burst and a farmer in Abingdon will be moved to make way for a new reservoir. It was not even slightly terrifying, but nevertheless at the end Attenborough came onto the screen in big nose-hair close-up to explain that we must do something now — now, d’you hear — to prevent this catastrophe.
Doubtless a party political broadcast from such an authority as Attenborough will have had you scampering round the house turning off the lights. And maybe the next day you walked to work instead of taking the car. Though I doubt this, because much to the annoyance of the producers the next day was bitterly cold with snow falling in many parts of the country.
And anyway, even if every nation meets its obligations under the Kyoto agreement, the Earth won’t be saved. In fact, the heat expected in 2020 would arrive in 2026. So we ruin our lives to buy just six more years.
The fact is this. Global warming’s coming, so you can don your King Canute hat and stand on the beach waving your Toyota Prius at the advancing heatwave, but it won’t make a ha’p’orth of difference.
But don’t worry, because I have a plan. The biggest threat we face, according to the British Broadcasting Corporation, is rising sea levels. Apparently, seawater expands when it’s heated, so the entire population of Britain will have to spend the rest of time perched on top of Ben Nevis.
Plainly, then, there is too much water in the world, so why don’t we just call Nasa and ask it to take some of it into space? Technically this is not difficult. Build a fleet of space shuttles. Fill them with seawater. And move it into orbit.
If necessary the water could be stored in a huge balloon so that if the world cools down at some point in the future the shuttles could go up there and bring it back again.
Brilliant, yes? But having given the matter some thought, I think there is room for improvement.
Space is only 75 miles from the surface of the Earth, so why not make a giant hosepipe, dip one end in the sea and take the other end out into the void, where, of course, there is a vacuum. That means the water will be sucked up the pipe without the need for any energy-absorbing pumps.
Of course there is a small problem with this idea. Gravity means the hosepipe will keep falling back to the ground again, but I’ve thought of that.
Initially, I reckoned it could be tethered to the moon, but having studied astrological charts I’ve realised that in a day or two the pipe would be wrapped round the world. And as any gardener knows, this will cause a kink at some point, which will stop the water being ejected.
There are two ways of addressing this. We could either build a tower 75 miles tall to which the hosepipe could be fixed. Or we could fit the space end of the pipe with a watering can sprinkler attachment that is turned to face Earth. This would direct the water downwards and that would invoke Newton’s third law. Hey presto: the effects of gravity are overcome and the hosepipe stays up.
Now I’m just a middle-aged bloke with no engineering qualifications whatsoever and yet, in the space of one afternoon, I have devised a simple method that will save the life of everyone in Norfolk, Holland and the Maldives.
Which brings me on to an important question. What, exactly, are those who do have engineering qualifications doing to fill their days in these dark and superheated times?
Are they developing an airborne vacuum cleaner that cruises through the upper atmosphere sucking up the carbon dioxide and turning it into money or cheese or something? Are they working on waterproof carpets for the people of Worcester or pills to reduce the amount of sewage produced by Glaswegians? Sadly not. In fact they’re all down at the Dog and Spanner wondering if a front differential might tame the understeer in a powerful front-wheel-drive hatchback.
Here’s the problem. To make a hot hatchback appeal these days, it must have more power than all its rivals. But as Vauxhall proved with its insane Astra VXR, you can’t just put a million horsepower in a hatchback, because the front wheels cannot be expected to deal with this and the job of steering.
Ford, as I recall, was the first to try to tame big power in a front-drive car by fitting a front differential. It was the RS1600i and I seem to remember it was fairly nasty. But nowhere near as nasty as its second attempt, the Focus RS. Yes, in a tight corner you could shove your right foot through the firewall and the front tyres would still grip. But unfortunately, when you were just driving normally, the car was so twitchy and so prone to even the slightest change in camber that I’d even go so far as to call it dangerous.
This, I felt, answered the question nicely. Yes. A front differential will tame understeer in a powerful front-wheel-drive hatchback. But the price is too high.
However, Renault was not paying attention and has now come along with the complicated sounding Mégane Renaultsport 230 F1 Team R26.
It’s a very yellow car this, and it comes with all sorts of eye-catching details such as grey wheels, brilliant bucket seats, lots of stickers, including if you want a chequerboard roof and a little plaque between the front seats saying: “We won the last two Formula One world championships, we did.”
I rather liked it. I liked the engine, too. It’s a 2 litre turbo, almost identical to the unit fitted in the old Mégane 225 but tweaked so you get a few less carbon dioxides coming out of the back and a bit more power going to the wheels. The result is 0-60mph in 6.2sec.
Even better, however, is the price — just £19,570 — and even better than that is the ride. Yes, it has stiff springs, but it’s got good damper travel, so your teeth stay fastened to your jaw over even the roughest road.
However, if you set off into this absurd name with a magnifying glass and a map, you will note that the car produces 230bhp. That sounds good in the brochures but you can’t put this much power through the front wheels and hope for the best. So they’ve taken a leaf out of Ford’s book and gone, once more, for a front diff.
And sure, on a soaking wet corner, covered with a veneer of leaves, Fairy Liquid and butter, you can stand on the throttle and such is the grip you won’t even trouble the traction control system.
But as was the way with Ford’s loony tunes Focus, there are drawbacks at all other times. You pull out to overtake a slower car and you feel the wheel tense as you make the move. Then you crest the apex of the road and you feel it twitch again. You have the sense that unless you hold on tight you will be in a tree.
It’s nowhere near as bad as it was in the Ford but it’s still there, a constant nagging presence, like being in the room with a lion. It means you can never just relax and listen to Terry Wogan.
You are therefore better off with a Golf GTI. And Renault’s engineers would have been better off doing something more constructive with their time. Such as realising my dream of putting a hosepipe into space.
Vital statistics
Model Mégane Renaultsport 230 F1 Team R26
Engine 1998cc, four cylinders
Power 230bhp @ 5500rpm Torque 229 lb ft @ 3000rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 33.2mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 200g/km
Performance 0-62mph:6.5sec/Top speed:147mph
Price £19,570
Rating 3/5
Verdict Very yellow but not so bright
Isn't she a beaut? Just look at the pic above (not meaning the inset of JC LOL)... loving my RS225, although no LSD but still an awesome track car from my experience.
JC .. too many pipe dreams.
Drazen, Jhb, South Africa
Putting anything into orbit costs about $10,000 a pound. Which means that you'd have to be richer than God to even send a lake into space.
Joe, Cleveland, Ohio, USA
no need to send to space just spray onto deserts and dry lakes
john, NY,
I have jst ordered an R26 in preference to a Golf / Type R / VXR, the handling is great, methinks a certain person has a general dislike for Renault. P.S. The Golf GTI that you rave about is over priced and quite hideous, truly foul alloys.
Vic, Sittingbourne, UK
Clarkson what do you know i own one of these and they are awesome after all you do own a ford
Mark dredge, Frome,Somerset, uk
what a load of bollocks, my R26 eats golf GTI'S and spits them out in bits, you need driving lessons mate!!
dave, chesterfield, derbyshire
what about the car any other reviews regarding this motor or is it just about lsd's and hose pipes in space????
i got one and think its great..
delboy, shirland, uk
But I think the Golf GTI is to tame to drive for the enthusiast.. I'd still go for the RS 225...
Phil, Australia,
Your hose into space idea won't work. A vacuum can only lift column of water by 33 feet if the base is exposed to atmospheric pressure. Basic physics.
The shuttle plan on the other hand.....
Kit, London,
I have to say, while the article was brilliant and raised some important issues, my chief concern now is a certain Steve Amphlett. I am utterly deflated that his post, whatever it said, is not visible here. There is nothing I would like more than to see exactly what he wrote that led various people from different backgrounds, geographical locations and probably religions to unite in the fulfilment of their common goal: namely, to tell him what a pillock he apparently is.
Ryan Calmus, Bristol, England
Jeremy, stop worrying about Holland!
We're already at 7.50 meters below sea level, so the expected extra 38cm in the comming 100 years will not make ANY difference.
However, having the temperature increased by a few degrees would be very benificial to The Netherlands!
Oh, and while we're at it, a bit more sun would be nice aswel.
Freek S., Amsterdam, The Netherlands
I assume when Clarkson talks about it having a "front diff" he actually means "front limited slip diff". Diffrentials are what allow the outside wheel to move faster than the inside wheel while cornering. This prevents the outside wheel skidding, and is why all cars are fitted with differentials. However, they send torque to the wheel with least resistance, so if one wheel is off the ground under hard cornering or has less load than the other wheel under cornering, all the power is turned into a wheel spinning pointlessly.
What a limited-slip diff does is send the power to the wheel with most traction. This means the power is actually put down on the road and generates forward motion. It is fitted to higer powered cars due to their tendency to break the grip of the tyres and spin the wheels.
James Riley, Birmingham, England
Instead of taxing travel and cars to cut down on CO2 emissions, the catalytic converters should be removed from cars and no more fitted, they contribute to global warming.
Dave Madley, Alicante, Spain
I have recently seen a scientist on TV who said that due to global warming Siberia will become a huge forrest. What's wrong with that, don't they all want more trees and more oxigen???
Razvan, Braila, Romania
Will I ever stop enjoying your articles?
I don't think so.
Ivan Jaen, Caracas, Venezuela
Steve, while I'm picking holes, it's spelt "astronomical" !
Peter Martin, Brighton , UK
To Steve Amphlett,
It might not be "astrological", but it most definitely isn't "astonomical".
Just felt the need to pick holes...
Andrew Burtenshaw, Coventry, UK
A Jersey political party recently published their environmental policy where they note Climate Change as being 'potentially beneficial for tourism'. At least they're honest :)
Ryan Morrison, St Helier, Jersey
Well done Jeremy. In the space of just a few more lines of your excellent writing, you have managed to wind up 99% of all astrologers - and astronomers, engineers and environmentalists. They're a pretty humourless lot at the best of times.
Yet you've also once again done an excellent job of keeping amused the fans of Heath Robinson and all the rest of us among the human race who enjoy your twisted humour - and wayward sense of logic,.
Ali D, St Helier, JERSEY
To Steve Amphlett,
Well done for critically analysing a clearly tongue-in-cheek "idea". Everyone thinks you're very clever!
Also nitpicking the article was another worthwhile exercise! Thanks for enriching my life.
PS I don't suppose many people "remember hat bloke torricelli" as he died over 350 years ago. See how pointless nitpicking is??!!
Patrick T, London,
The tower reaching up to space is an old idea. It's called a space elevator and there's a very real company bent on building one: http://www.liftport.com/
Jean-Louis Beaufils, Paris, France
JC, you are a fine journalist, a superb writer, a very funny person and a great entertainer. But I really can't believe you need the rating£ any more to come out with such mentalist-baiting guff as this (and I'll sacrifice 300-odd characters to cut'npaste):
'... if every nation meets its obligations under the Kyoto agreement, the Earth won’t be saved. In fact, the heat expected in 2020 would arrive in 2026. So we ruin our lives to buy just six more years.
... Global warming’s coming, so you can don your King Canute hat and stand on the beach waving your Toyota Prius at the advancing heatwave, but it won’t make a ha’p’orth of difference."
Is that what you will be reading your kids each night?
Apply your skills to make sure we do what can, sensibly, to mitigate and/or prevent the possibility. And especially ensure the chancers from all sides of the eco-exchange debate don't screw up the environment with daft, short-term, impractical and plain bad ROI (eco, £, social..) nonsense.
Peter Martin, Ross on Wye, UK
Now if the tower had an elevator (a glass one?) as well, you could send anything up there, even astronauts. And you could send up bits of nuclear waste then give them a shove in the direction of the sun. That way we solve all the problems and keep the sun going for a few seconds longer. Neat.
Now, this Renaut thing - well you can tell from the colour that it's on LSD. And that never does anyone any good. Wouldn't it be funny if the manufacturers tried to beat each other at making skinny-tyred low-powered fuel-sniffing cars that never did 0-62 but you could drive flat out everywhere all the time. Mine was a DAF 33 and my mates was a Dyane 6.
Albert Ross, Cleethorpes, England
The Renault sounds more scary than Attenborroughs rather feeble worse case scenario.
Neil R, York, UK
Nice idea but you'd have a 75 mile hose with only 9.8m of water sitting in the bottom of it (remember hat bloke called torricelli?).
A slightly better idea would be to have a vertical pipe that extends beyond the geostationary orbit altitude (about 36000 km). Then the water would be pulled up the tube by virtue of the angular acceleration (centripetal force to the layman). Obviously you'd need to pump it up there to start with, but the longer the tube extends above 36000 km, the greater the pull on the top bit - eventually you could switch off the pump. Imagine spinning a hose around your head with the other end in a bucket of water. This idea is flawed too of course, but I won't explain why (think vapour pressure). Maybe you could pump steam up the tube?
By the way, I am an engineer and you probably mean LIMITED-SLIP differential. All FWD cars have a differential - even the original Mini.
And while I'm picking holes, it's "astonomical".
Steve Amphlett, Sompting, Wet Sussex, UK
Jeremy,
Thank you for finally admitting that you believe in the problem of climate change. Now, as someone who was awarded an honourary doctorate for promoting awareness of engineering, how about living up to your title. Take some time out to tell us about the incredible feats of engineering being planned and built to harness wind and wave energy and advances in energy conservation.
Frankly, by belittling the greatest challenges faced by scientists and engineers (and the rest of us) you've been doing the cause of engineering more harm than all the people you complain about. You're right, differentials on idiotically powerful front wheel drive cars are a waste of effort, the gearing on windmills is where it's at. All you need to do is say so a bit more often.
Ian Pattinson, Manchester, UK
Jeremy, you truly are the best columnist I've ever read.
Really, you're very competent and skilled with your work. So why don't you just stick to it and leave engineering for us engineers? If anyone were stupid enough to put money in your 5 minute inventions he'd end up with the highest pipe ever made threatening everyone in a 75-miles radius circle to fall over them and sucking water just a few meters over its surface.
And, BTW, I like cars with front LSD's. The Focus ST is awesome and this Megane has to be brilliant, just like any hot hatch which is made by Renault. Because they also are pretty competent doing their job :)
Javier, Manresa, SPAIN
I had the idea of a space chimney some time a go and neglected to patent it, so your hosepipe tower could also double as the space chimney for all the pollutants to be shot up, under pressure from a gigantic furnace, into space. Please send me a million pounds for this idea, thanks.
Ian Paterson, Colerne, Wiltshire., UK