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Jeremy Clarkson's Dirty Dozen
Twelve delicious pearls of literary wisdom from the keyboard of Jeremy Clarkson. If you own one of these cars, we apologise in advance
"There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it's half carbon fibre and half leather, and it's got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you've been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship.
"So you don't change gear. You crash." Read Clarkson's full review
11 BMW 645Ci
"If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends' houses so they don't see its backside." Read Clarkson's full review
"I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead." Read Clarkson's full review
"This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?" Read Clarkson's full review
"This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse.
"If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure" Read Clarkson's full review
"'What,' I exclaimed, 'in the name of all that's holy, do we want one of those for?' We're European. We were sipping tea while the Americans were shooting Indians. We've had 2,000 years to get used to civilisation, not 20 minutes. We're advanced, we're slim, we're at the cutting edge of evolution. We think that shooting bears is daft. Budweiser gives us a headache and we think George Bush is an arse.
"So why in God's name do we want to drive around in a car made from a hen house and two bits of railway track?" Read Clarkson's full review
6 Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE
"It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores." Read Clarkson's full review
"This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. It has a top speed of 88mph but takes so long to reach it that no one has ever lived long enough to verify the claim, the inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost.
"Also its name sounds like a disease." Read Clarkson's full review
4 Land Rover Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon
"Often fourth isn't enough to get you up a hill, so you drop down to third and it feels as though you've been hit in the back with a wrecking ball. All of a sudden you're doing 35mph but your eight-ton suit of armour, making a noise that sounds like the birth of the universe, has come to an almost dead stop.
"What's more, there still isn't enough room behind the wheel for anyone with shoulders or legs, there are still sharp edges, it's as bouncy as a small dog at suppertime, and as a result it's about as much fun to drive as a punctured wheelbarrow. And it's not like the misery is short-lived, because each trip to the shops can, and does, take two or three weeks." Read Clarkson's full review
3 Kia Rio
"You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I've seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse.
"Small wonder Kia's importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association's Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra." Read Clarkson's full review
"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap." Read Clarkson's full review
"In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I'd have America's foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran's nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati's gearbox at number one. It is that bad." Read Clarkson's full review
Read more Clarkson lists in Good Car/Bad Car as Jeremy runs down the best and worst rides in every class.
I'm glad someone else agrees with me , in that the BMW 1 series looks like an item of giant footwear. My family and I have always referred to it as the BMW training shoe after seeing a pair of them in a car park and expected a giant to appear at any moment and run off wearing them, so well done Warren of Newbury.
Another gripe of mine is the fact that most motoring writers excuse the 1 series for having virtually zero rear legroom, simply because the BMW rear wheel drive occupies so much space, so this makes their design failings acceptable.
I drive an Audi A3 3.2 Quattro,(including rear wheel drive!) and I have driven up to Scotland for 5 hours with 3 adults sat in the back, and they actually had a party in the rear footwells, there was so much legroom.
BMW ,(and motoring writers) take note!
David, West Midlands
David Hayes, Kingswinford, West Midlands
Please allow me to question the choice of columns here. The very most devastating one I remember was when Jezza was going on about warblers in Norfolk for 99.99 per cent of the text just to mention the car in question in the last sentence, which read: “Vauxhall have brought out a new Vectra†– brilliant.
KDB, Coburg, Germany
I had the misfortune of driving a 120d the other day. My usual hack is the new Audi S3, and I was expecting to be overwhelmed by the BM's rear wheel drive, and the 50:50 balanced weight distribution (etc..).
I hope for the sake of 130i owners that the 120d is one of BMW's oversights. Not only does it have the misfortune of looking like Old Mother Hubbards shoe, but its engine was afflicted with a boost pressure issue probably as a result of a diverter valve issue. The ride was as bad as I could have wished for and I couldn't wait to get out of it.
I love M series BMW's, but I'm afraid even if they were to launch a full fat M1 series I wouldn't be interested based on the initial impression of the 120d. The M1 would probably be restrictively expensive too.
People say the S3 is horribly overpriced, but at least it has some highlights.
Warren, Newbury, Berkshire
the prob is no one in the uk cares about driving any more & are obsessed by looks!my 120d sport in sydney blue looks great to some and distinctive to others and in that colour/spec its quite a rare sight.decent alloys and some sporty kit essential on cheaper models tho.i dont like the very back at the side but so what!golfs and focus's are hardly pretty! the leon looks better but cant match the drive and refinement and are burdened with boring front wheel drive like EVERY other car in the class.i go to car parks at night when it rains to practice drifting and sliding etc! i assure you this much fun cant be had in a cheaper car thats better on space. i like how clarkson,who i generally agree with,shows u the rear space with the front seats fully back & everyone swallows it! the rides firm with run flat tyres & prices are high so buy a 1-2 year old one if its not a company car! bmw are tight but keen drivers need this car in this boring class!
rearwheeldrive, Doncaster,
I'm sorry Mr Metcalfe, but you are fooling no-one.
The 1-Series is a horrid car. It is massively over-priced, there simply is no rear legroom at all and the boot is too small.
It is also an ugly car. The 5-series has grown on me but the 1 is as frumpy and conflicted a piece of design as the day I first saw it.
I'm not sure how any "smaller details" of the car, as you put it, can possibly make up for all these shortcomings? It's meant to be a small family hatchback, but there's no way I could ever fit one in it. No doubt it is as fun to drive as a 3 or a 5 though I haven't had the pleasure.
But why, when the Golf GTI is around, would you ever choose the 1?
Alex Pritchard, Bristol,
In defence of the BMW 1 Series, Jeremy is critical of the design, speaking as a professional designer of some years, he just does not "get it" does he. He obviously likes safe and dislikes dare to be different approach. Has he not noticed how some of the smaller details of the 1 series are beginning to appear on other cars? BMW have embarked on a unique track with this design, yes it is brave and some would say risky, but it is also good. I am a BMW buyer since late 1980,s and find them to be excellent in all departments. I currently have the 120d SE and cannot praise it enough. I hope BMW continue with their pathfinding approach for many years.
Mike Metcalfe, Darlington, UK
Just glad not to see my car on Jezza's list, even though I must say I'm surprised to see the Vanquish up there.
simon cotton, Conwy, north wales
Eclectic choice as always Mr C, totally confused anyone who doesn't understand your non-objective 'shock and awe' tactics to car reviewing. Interesting you declined to mention the Alfa Brera V6 in your list, a total beauty of a car but let down by the fact that it weighs as much as your average male elephant and has none of the soul of the GT V6 or the GTV it replaced... I thought a new model was meant to be better than the old ones?
And before anyone questions my credentials to slate the Brera... I have owned various Italian cars over the past 10 years and I am currently still running an Alfa GTV V6, I intended to replace it with a Brera but it was just too slow and no fun to drive.
Chris, Lingfield, Surrey
AC - the Vel Satis has a detuned Nissan V6, first seen in some of their big saloons. Clarkson's "Datsun with a Renault engine" gag isn't suppsoed to be taken seriously...
Tim S, Surbiton, Surrey
This list isn't Clarksons worst cars, it is a list of his best put down\best bad reviews! Some people could do with a sense of humour!
Dave, Leeds, West Yorkshire
AC - the Vel Satis has a detuned Nissan V6, first seen in some of their big saloons. Clarkson's "Datsun with a Renault engine" gag isn't supposed to be taken seriously...
Tim S, Surbiton, Surrey
I might not agree with all Jeremy Clarkson says about these cars,but he makes me laugh and thats why I like to reed his
reviews.
Keep up the good work Jeremy.
David Nigel Braham, Milan, Italy
Eh... the 350Z has a renault vel statis whatever's 3.5 L engine basically, but recently had an upgraded top end and finally a new block itself. I do believe Renault is French... to that bloke who didnt know the 350Z has a 'french engine'.
AC, Cairo, Egypt
"he only solution is to buy a British two seater chop-top from the sixties eg. Triumph Spitfire, Austin Healy Sprite, MG Midgit."
I have another solution: just get something that gets you from a to b without breaking down. Who cares what it looks like (as long as it isn't Barbie pink).
starling, Lancaster,
How can you possibly believe a man who does not appreciate the sheer refinement of a rear-engined 911? He prefers (wait for it...) a Ford - yes,a Ford!
Blimey!
I ask you, where does this man come from?
Tony, Bridgend, UK
Who is Jeremy Clarkson ?
Gee, Soenderborg, Denmark
In Clarkson's film, Heaven and Hell, didn't he LIKE the Maserati?
J.D., Orlando,
When will people learn that unless you have a lot of money any modern car you can afford will be crap. It will look like what it is; a mass produced euro-bubble and driving it will be a dull and lifless experience. The only solution is to buy a British two seater chop-top from the sixties eg. Triumph Spitfire, Austin Healy Sprite, MG Midgit. They may not have the best performance but they look good and every time you drive one you will leave the car with a big grin on your face. Classic cars are not only for bearded old men but a realistic alternative that is a lot cheaper to buy, run and insure than almost all modern cars plus no road tax.
Pete, Nottingham/Leeds,
Still remember the Lancia Beta, not that I owned it for long. It had already rusted away by the time I got it home. Have an Italian friend who paid 50000 euros for a Lancia Thesis. He said it was a great car when it worked but was off the road with all sorts of technical faults most of the time. Broke down as often as the Italian government. No wonder they chose it. He traded it in for a BMW. Michael Scott, do you work for Lancia by any chance? Can't think of another reason anyone would admit to owning one.
George, London, UK
I know this was intended humorously, but really, a car being worse than several hundred thousand dead people in Iraq? (GWB foreign policy); worse then the several million dead or dying from aids, and all their orphaned children? This isn't funny, merely silly. Anyway where's the trabant?
Neil Murphy, cromer,
Steve Byrne - the Chevy would have got away, if it wasn't for that pesky corner...
Ade, Wallasey, UK
Clearly this list isn't made by Clarkson, but by some editor knowing zip all about cars needing to fill up some space. Hopelessly outdated. The Maserati DOES have an automatic gearbox by now. The Mitsubishi Warrior has been replaced by the L200 years ago. Need I go on...?
pieter, toulouse, france
Where's the 300C??? The most hideous life form on the planet, anyone would think it’s a Mack truck with that front end, and that absolutely lack lustre rear….don’t even get me started! You may aswell buy an army tank!
Mel, Central Victoria, Australia
Jeremy-
Have you seen anything by Chrysler lately?... They could've taken up all 12 spots.
K. Bennett, Kansas City, USA
the link for the 5th item, the kelisa points to a volkswagen golf.
nothingnormal, kuching,
I too would like to see the return of the old "Top Gear" but it has been stolen by Channel 5.
I haven't forgiven Jeremy for shooting that Chevrolet Corvette many years ago.
Steve Byrne, florida , USA
I'm surprised he didn't mention Toyota Prius... Btw I love Top gear in it's current format, boring shows about borings cars is NOT what I want to see on my TV
Morten, Frederiksberg, Denmark
Jeremy, have you forgotten the fabulously terrible 1007. We saw your TopGear comments about it, did not believe any vehicle could be that bad and then we hired one last year. It has to be the worst car my wife and I have ever driven and we could not stop laughing while we drove it as it is spectacularly bad. Aside from the electrics and reverse gear conking out, the unbelievable lack of power, one of the seats getting jammed, the insanely stupid gearbox and the handling of a tractor, it attracts more attention than a gorilla juggling hand grenades because of the useless and constantly jamming sliding doors. There is absolutely nothing to rival it and if ever you want to drive a car which will make you constantly laugh because it is spectacularly bad, it is worth hiring for a weekend.
Paul, London, UK
Jezza' top 12 bitchy reviews and yet no Vectra. On which subject (shameful confession coming up) I'm beginning to find the Vectra rather an attractive design. Look at it from the rear 3/4 view, squint, and say "Audi" and it all looks pretty understated and sophisticated. Still looks a mess from the front though. Can't comment on how it drives because I've never actually driven a Vauxhall, and please god I'll never have to.
Redcliffe, London,
I love that guy - he really has humour !!
Peter Nielsen , Maarslet, Denmark
when is top gear going to revert to it's former format, the present presentation is not very good, why not stick to testing ordinary cars which the majority of people drive, with the occasional exotic beast thrown in.
Meanwhile I'll stick to my Fabia which is fabulous
p.s. i have stopped watching since the new style was introduced
james murray, balintore, scotland
i think i will stick with my vectra!-Carry on speaking your mind Jeremy
Jas Holait, Derby, England
i find it hard to believe there are 12 cars worse than the Hyundai Accent. Its shocking.
Arran, belfast,
Ten hilariously neatly constructed quotes, but don't believe any of them. After all this is the chap who's convinced that the Nissan 350Z has a French engine. Now that's even funnier..
Dave, Christchurch, New Zealand
Good god I drove a Kia Rio in Australia and it was brilliant!!!
Rarely did it have passengers, but to drive it was fine and it wans't that badly priced either. (It can't have been if I was the owner!)
Jo, Singapore,
PIcking on the Perodua, which only costs 5p and is made in Albania or somewhere, seems a bit harsh.
Tom, Brighton, England
Aleks, may I suggest you read the title? This article is a compilation of Jeremy's quotes that is all. However, I totally agree about the Quattroporte it has more soul and flair than any of it's competitors.
Phil, London,
'The five most rubbish things in the world' trust you to have a list. I agree with the Gordon brow bit. But then I think what could be better? Errm!
My worst thing was probably an east german motrocycle.
They are cheap for a reason.
Audi Driver, kelso, roxburghshire
I'm starting to believe that Jeremy's list looks as thus just for shock factor purposes. For, frankly, how could one otherwise take a listing as this one seriously?
It started out well enough as the GTB is odd in some respects and it doesn't live up to traditional Ferrari style, in my view. For the puffy look out in the back makes this Ferrari look, dare I say, ordinary. And the Vanquish, the Cadillac, and the 1 Series are all appropriate topics for derision. But the Quattroporte at numero uno! And the Jetta and the 6 Series there as well! I'll admit, the tail lamps light up kind of presumptuously, but the Jetta still looks substantial given its price. And the 6. Well, my opinion is that this automobile looks wrongfully wicked (good)...although the front end carries on a sleepy, overly confident, look to it.
Lastly, I would seriously contend that no car carries with it the amount of class and traditional flair as does the Quattroporte, crappy gearbox or not.
Aleks, Belgrade, Serbia
Have you heard of a car called the Lancia? It is made in Italy, belongs to the Fiat group, has won more rallies than any other car in history but seems to be missing from your archives. I would suggest you start with a test of the Lancia Kappa which was the car Italian ministers drove in before being replaced by the Thesis.
My Kappa turbo does over 250 kms an hour (speedometer) accelerates like a Porche (in first and second particularly) has a limousine size interior etc etc
Michael Scott, Bordeaux, France
Figuratively, just blindly throw a stone into the middle of a department store parking lot in Ohio and I'm sure you'd hit a car that's worse than any on this list.
Sebastian, Ohio, USA