Jeremy Clarkson
Life's A Picnic
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From
September 23, 2007
Volvo XC70 SE Sport
Oh yes, it's the great pretender
There’s a very good reason why Top Gear never allows its tame racing driver to speak. It’s because he might express an opinion, and the opinions of all racing drivers are completely worthless.
You could put one in a Bugatti Veyron and while he might have a few kind words to say about the power, he’d dismiss the steering, the brakes and the grip as rubbish.
To a racing driver, a BMW M3 is crap, an Audi RS4 is terrible, a Lamborghini Gallardo is gutless, and as for the Aston Martin Vanquish . . . oh dear. Damon Hill drove one once and wondered every time he put his foot on any of the pedals if perhaps something had broken.
Michael Schumacher is no better. Many years ago he hurled me around some sinewy ribbon of a track in a Ferrari 575, and in every corner the V12 wail was drowned out by a series of guttural Germanic expletives. He moaned about the understeer, the lack of grunt, the gearbox and every other feature of what I thought was a pretty good car. Then when he got out, he declared it to be s***, and went to the bar for an orange juice.
This has always annoyed me . . . until earlier this month when, for the first time, I drove a proper racing car, in a proper race. And now I know exactly what racing drivers mean. All road cars – every single one of them – are useless.
My racing car was a BMW 3-series with a diesel engine. It had covered about a million miles, ferrying PowerPoint equipment, I should imagine, to and from various out-of-town business hotel conference suites. So as a result, I was able to get it for just shy of £11,000.
It was then taken to a workshop where all of the interior was replaced with a roll cage and one seat and a fire extinguisher. Underneath, we simply fitted better brakes, lowered suspension and slick tyres. As racing cars go, then, it was far removed from a McLaren-Mercedes. Think of it as a worn-out fat man in a tracksuit and running shoes.
But oh my God. The tiny changes we made transformed this humdrum little rep-mobile into a car that was more exciting and more fun to drive than any supercar. No really. Give me the choice of driving around Silverstone in this, the world’s worst racer, or a Zonda, one of the world’s best road cars, and I’d take the diesel in a heartbeat.
At the track, I started out braking for the bends where I would brake in a road car. But this caused the BMW to just stop. Immediately. So then I’d have to engage first and accelerate up to the bend I had been trying to slow for. It was not a good look and many spectators laughed.
Quickly, I realised I could brake about 6in before the turning-in point and even then I wound up going too slowly. On slicks, a car will go round any corner at any speed that takes your fancy. No really. Through Stowe corner, a Lexus road car is right on the raggedy edge of controllability at 70mph. In our diesel you could take it at 100mph . . . while doing a crossword.
After a weekend spent revelling in the incredible grip and the braking, I climbed into my Gallardo for the trip home and it was like I’d inadvertently got into a time machine and gone back 200 years. It would go all right but it wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t grip.
Finally, then, after 20 years in the business, I began to see why racing drivers don’t like road cars. It’s simple. It’s because any car designed to cope with speed humps and potholes, any car fitted with tyres that last more than an hour is bound to be less capable than any car designed purely to go round corners as fast as possible.
I therefore find myself this morning hooting with derision at the current crop of so-called track-focused road cars. The Porsche GT3 RS is a classic case in point. Yes, it has a roll cage and, yes, it’s jolly light. But will it corner as fast as a diesel BMW on slicks? No. Will it brake more abruptly? No.
All Porsche has done by lowering it and firming it up and removing the soundproofing is make it noisy and uncomfortable on the road. Does it work on the track? No. In the big scheme of things, not even slightly.
The only way you could do that is by fitting slicks. But if you do that and try to drive home afterwards, the constabulary will want a word.
Then there’s the bothersome business of cost. A full exhaust system for an M3 costs BMW £76. That is cheap. And cheap doesn’t work on a racetrack. After our 24 hours, for instance, we got a bill for tyres that amounted to £6,000.
I’m sad to announce, then, that road cars and track cars are two separate entities and that neither will work, no matter what you do, in the other’s domain. A racing car on the road will be brutal, unforgiving and noisy. A road car on the track will go into a barrier and kill you.
Imagining, then, that your GT3 RS or your Gallardo Superleggera or your M3 CSL gives you a feel of the racetrack is as mad, I’m afraid, as imagining that if you eat a rasher of bacon, you’ll have an idea what sausages taste like.
It is very difficult to build a car that can do two things, a point demonstrated this morning by the meat of the missive – the Volvo XC70.
What we have here is a normal five-seater Volvo estate car, converted with some stilts so that it can get down your rutted driveway without losing its sump to a stone.
Sure, it can’t climb the north face of the Eiger, and it would come unstuck if it were pressed into service with the Highland mountain rescue service but because of the extra ground clearance and four-wheel drive it’ll be fine when you go to those parties where you’re made to park in a muddy field.
In theory this is excellent. Because it isn’t a proper off-roader, environmentalists won’t throw eggs at it and leave insulting messages under the windscreen wipers whenever you leave it alone for a moment. And nor will you have a typical off-roader’s fuel bill to foot.
What’s more, the car on which it’s based is much underrated. The new version of the V70 is nowhere near as pretty as its predecessor – no, don’t laugh: it was a good-looking car – but it is hugely spacious with a boot big enough to stage a medium-sized air display. It’s nice to drive as well, in a quiet, softly softly sort of way.
Sadly, many of these attributes have been lost in the XC version. You can fiddle around with the suspension settings but no matter which button you press, the ride is never anything other than soft, with a hard and chewy centre. I didn’t like it at all.
I’m not sure either about the tough-looking body cladding, principally because I’m not sure it’s tough at all. I suspect it’s just something else to mend after a crash. And I wasn’t all that fussed about the engine. It was a 3.2 litre six, and while it wasn’t very bad, it wasn’t very good either. If it were a person, I suspect you wouldn’t invite it round for drinks because it would bore your friends.
The most worrying thing about this car, though, is who you’re buying it from. Ford, as we know, is thinking of selling Volvo, and I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t pay nearly £36,000 to a car company if I didn’t know who was going to be running it next week.
In many ways the XC70 is a good car. It’s light and airy, well equipped and fitted with every safety feature known to man. It also meets a genuine demand – for a non off-road car that can do a bit of off-roading if asked.
But it doesn’t quite work. As a result, unless I really needed the Volvo’s vast boot, I’d save myself £14,000 and buy a Subaru Legacy Outback.
Vital statistics
Model Volvo XC70 SE Sport
Engine 3192cc, six cylinders
Power 235bhp @ 6200rpm
Torque 236 lb ft @ 3200rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 24.8mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 272g/km
Acceleration 0-60mph: 8.1sec
Top speed 134mph
Price £35,700
Rating 
Verdict Not bad, not good, too costly
I've had an Audi S2 with "improved" turbo. an M3. a Cooper S (the original), a Renault Gordini and many ordinary and sedate BM's ... but I finally found a car that I love for many reasons. They said "we know you spend a lot of time in your car; we made it comfortable with a great sound system", so I bought one - an XC70. Its as OK on the rough stuff as it is to the shops and back. Its not a serious off-roader - it doesn't claim to be - but what a great touring car, doing a mere 2500 rpm at the legal limit, with more than adequate accelaration and top speed, and the seats are probably the best in the auto world. Did I mention I listen to Pink Floyd at top volume on those gourgeous Danish speakers? What a pleasure this car is! (and so say my fellow travellers)
David Elton, Cape Town, South Africa
Having read a lot of his books and articles and enjoyed him on top gear (even joined the JC for pm facebook group) i for all my unalloyed hero worship have noticed a fair amount of 'do as i say not as i do' amongst other hypocrisies, its just part of the package.
For me the sheer hilarity of his bizarre antics and never ending stream of paint peeling invective keeps me coming back.
This inability to be tactful on anyones account or care if he offends whoever is left in the room makes the occasional empty headed comments only endear him to me more.
oh and Volvo's are ugly tanks..but if you had six children what else would you put them in?
Patrick, sydney, australia
This car looks good for my annual carvan holiday - Does to do what the Audi Allroad does - manually adjust the suspension up and down? I would like that option - if it could do it very quickly like the mexicans even better.
David, London, UK
Which is fine, Ken except for the fact that a road bike comes a lot closer to race-bike performance than any car manages to race car performance. And that is precisely why so many people ride sports bikes.
Colin Gorton, Arbucies, Girona, Spain
I've just read Jeremy today. I love the man.
If I could be any celeb on the planet, Jeremy Clarkson would be second on my list (The Hamster is first because he love motorbikes). Not only does Jeremy write in a briliantly wicked and amusing way - a style I would just love to emulate - he must have the best job in the world!
John Edwards, Buckley, Flintshire
Without driving it, the only thing you can really say for certain is that following the design cues of the S80 for the XC70's rear light cluster was not a great idea.
Julian, Twickenham, UK
Yep you're right Jeremy all road cars are useless.
Get a motorbike ya big sissy.
Oh yeah you're scared of speed aren't you?
You just stick to mowing the lawn and trimming the hedge on a Sunday afternoon.
Steve Reeves, Stockport, England
Until your article on Private Pilots I agreed with your every word but now you've gone to far!
How do you think getting into a car and thrashing round and round and round.........sorry fell asleep there.......and round is more interesting than flying up through cloud into the bright sunshine world of white tipped cloud peaks, beats me!
I not only fly my own plane but I built it myself and we have great fun flying to Perranporth to meet friends for lunch or down to the south of france.
And we never, ever, ever use 'over' and 'out' on the radio for which you will be really interested to hear we have a 'Radio Telephony Operators Licence' !!
peter mileham, chard, uk
We (the wife) have had an XC70 Xreg for the last 3 years or so. Its OK and actually pretty good off road, you know muddy fields and horsey stuff. On the road it takes ages to pick up from standing and to slow down again. Im sure the newer engines are better, but its not cheap to run and the turbo (petrol) recently blew, still its paid for now so we'll keep it.
Graham Dunn, Truro, Cornwall
I generally agree with Mr. Clarkson, that a roadcar on the track and a racecar on the road is always a compromise, but I still like the idea of taking a gutsy family-saloon to a circuit, taking numberplates and the rear seatbank away and just have a little fun. Come on, we´re all no Schumachers or Hamiltons chasing for the split second.
Consequently I think, that´s why people today also spend thousands on several bikes for different uses, even just one pram won´t do the job for modern families. And don´t forget to invest extra quid on your new digital snapshot-camera for some more bytes which will enable you to film your mother in law's birthday for five hours... We WILL get fooled again. :-)
Dan , Berlin, Germany
Reminds me Jez of the time I converted from motorbike to car. Suddenly my world went "slo-mo". But maybe you don't you want to hear that - your mum (as we long ago deduced) having been frightened by a bike while you were a foetus.
For cars (and bikes) the rule-of-thumb is simple: what's good for the track is lousy for the road, and vice versa. Surely you've always known that - it's called "fitness for purpose" - WAKE UP AT THE BACK!
Ken Leyland, Liverpool, U.K.
Race cars are slow. Supercars are slow. Imagine my disappointment - I get off my GSXR1000 with more than 1hp/kg, there's nothing short of a Bugatti that provides the excitement, and you can't wheelstand one of them... I'm surprised that Richard and James can't talk Jeremy into doing the occasional bike test. That said, I'd be more than willing to fly across to the TG test track and ride a bike around to prove the point. I've owned 2 Alfa's, so I think I qualify as a car guy too, so I'm not completely car bigoted, it's just that car people's frame of reference is too narrow to understand what speed and power really are. Does JC actually read these comments? I'm considering the implications of sending this, might kick off a bit of debate. For those that I haven't managed to offend, make sure you watch the All Black teach your rugby team how to play in the upcoming days. Bless your cotton socks :o)
Mike, Auckland, New Zealand
Corrado VR6
nonplussed, london, UK
Volvos, like the Independent newspaper are for people who have been advised by their doctor to avoid any form of excitement.
Charlie , London, UK
Seems a fair review... certainly judging by what my fathers XC70 is like. What surprises me is Volvo put a 3.2 six in the new version that puts out less power than the earlier models 2.5T five!
Wonder if the electronics are any better in the new one; again my fathers managed to get from the Isle of Wight to the South of France well enough but the electic windows decided to jam while lowered several times... for a car of its price bracket it does pose some interesting questions!
Andrew C-B, Ryde, Isle of Wight, UK
I'm glad that Jeremy finally realised why for a racing driver a road car, any road car, is rubbish. I did some single seater racing when I was "young", and my colleagues and friends just can't understand why I'm driving a Golf 1.6 FSI, the answer is pretty simple: why bother? I had a Boxster S a few years ago, and then an Audi S3, they were useless. At least the Golf is chaep. Next car will be something comfortable and safe, and with a good sound system, I won't be bothered by the dynamics, they can only be rubbish so I'll go for comfort. When I want to have a bit of fun I'll take my March F2 car to some track and enjoy it. And when I'll think of the sad souls buying "race-replica" cars I'll laugh. IMHO someone who spends £100k on a supposedly road car with track ambitions is mad, if you want some thrills buy a second hand racing car, and then take it to a track when you feel the need. You'll have much more fun and will also save a fortune.
Paolo, Milan,
hahahahaha!!!!really I am agree with you Mr.Clarkson I will not give the exorbitant money of £36,000 in a car that I don't know in who will be hands the next week!!!!Well and about your comments in sport/racing cars I think we need to rememeber perfect steering cars like the Lotus and Mini Cooper, and both of them are english!!!
Luis, Monterrey, Mexico
I hope that Porsche etc are listening to Jeremy here. After a weekend at the Putnam Park track with a only slightly modified Subaru STI (ie, better suspension, stock everything else), and beating most Porsches, BMWs ... all in a 4-door with the air conditioning on ... there is no substitute for awd and great brakes on apex turns. Regarding slicks: one of the instructors mentioned that racing slicks would equate to an additional +40 horsepower, and 1 to 2 second savings overall ...
Christian T, Louisville, KY/USA
Nice ending there J! Speaking of Subaru, don't you think the back end of the new V70 is a rip off right from the Forrester?
dc, Borås, Sweden
Granted, as Alf Garnett would say, granted. But all sing together about poor old JC, 'Nobody does it better'!
Isn't this better than putting the boot into innocent Welsh people? He does not suggest that the Volvo is made in Wales.
John Carty, Medellin, Colombia
I've had Volvo Estates. They are OK. They do just what is says on the tin. However, the main feature of Volvo's is that they are terminally boring.
Dave Lathan, Carterton, Oxford
I had a Volvo 960 3 litre beast until recently - it had done 180,000 miles. I didnt buy but my father gave to me after loving it for nearly 10 years. I must say it was a surprise, carried loads, drank loads, felt good when you hit something, went quite fast and seats were really comfortable. I would have another one if the bumpers get bigger!
Bob , London, London
wait another 10 years and buy it for £2000 - I would have one!
Bob , London, London
I like the look of it - it would good for carrying my sheep in it.
EC, London, London
god what planet is he from?
Ian Hindley, St Helens,
After reading Adrian's comment, it is quite clear that this is the type of car that the politicians want because anything else would break all the laws that they keep introducing, and then preferably a smaller version running on carrot juice.
Nick, Camberley, UK
Does make me wonder why Jeremy has just ordered his third Volvo XC90, which I bet is more costly than £36,000, being essentially the same car, just slower, less frugal but with 7 seats.
Ross Adams, Cardiff,
But having said that I recall JC raved over a Volvo some years ago? I purchased a new T5R Estate when they came out new in 95, you would never call that Volvo boring, slow or not grippy.? JC I think tested the R version
KW, Wirral , UK
Great article and referencing Road vs Track cars, so true. However, hasn't Jeremy just bought his wife a third XC90, the full size off roader, built by Volvo. That must have cost more than £36K so his comment in 3rd to last paragraph about not spending so much on a car from a company which has an uncertain future is surely more "do as I say and not as I do".
Anne Nanda, Glasgow, UK
All road cars are useless? What do racing cars drive on? Do they hover or something?
starling, Lancaster,
I'm afraid JC has summed up Volvos rather well. I bought one once, and I agree with him, whilst it didn't do anything very badly, it didn't do anything very well either. It was quiet, reliable, gutless and totally without character.
Adrian Ryan, Donegal, Ireland