Jeremy Clarkson
Life's A Picnic
Win luxury hampers plus Waitrose vouchers & guidebooks
Navigation - link to other main sections from here
From
December 2, 2007
Mazda CX-7
Follow me, vicar, into the red zone
Yesterday I jumped over a wall. It wasn’t a very big wall, but even so I only just made it. And when I landed I was out of breath. And my hip hurt. This was all very disappointing. For 47 years I have jumped over small walls without a moment’s thought, but from now on, I shall have to give the manoeuvre some serious thought and planning. One day soon, though I won’t know it at the time, I will jump over a small wall for the last time.
It’s the same story with sex. Everyone makes love at some point without knowing that they’ll never do it again. I think, if they did, they’d put a bit more effort into the final performance. Maybe that’s what John Entwistle was up to in that Las Vegas hotel room. Maybe he realised his ticker was on the blink and decided to go out in a blizzard of cocaine with a bright-orange hooker.
I sometimes wonder what I’ve done already for the last time. Skied? Flown a fighter jet? Seen the dawn at a party? It always fills me with great sadness and a resolve that I must never, ever, allow myself to be bored. Life is too short, and my time left too precious.
This is why I shall not be going to church any more. I’ve never been a fan of the baby Jesus, but now, as the summer of middle age begins to fade and small walls become too big, I can no longer tolerate the interminable hymns and the dreary psalms and the saccharine lectures on peace and imperialism and recycling from beardy in the pulpit.
In the past I could sit on my hands and bite my tongue and count the seconds, knowing that soon I’d be released into the fresh air. But today I just don’t have the time to waste and I’m filled with a sometimes uncontrollable urge to throttle the vicar, goose the organist and make a break for freedom through the vestry.
I have a similar problem in the theatre. I’m told that Patrick Stewart’s rendition of Macbeth, which finished yesterday, was extremely good. But it was Shakespeare, and he’s second only to the Bible. He bores me. At no point will Portia crash a police car into a helicopter, and Shylock will not end up falling from the top floor of the Nakatomi Tower.
And, unlike with a film, or a TV show, or a dreary drinks party, you can’t just leave when the boredom descends like an itchy blanket. You are imprisoned by the etiquette of theatre. You can’t even commit suicide without attracting a chorus of shhes as you splash arterial blood all over the orchestra pit.
Then we have traffic jams. As I round a corner on the motorway to be confronted by a lava stream of red brake lights I don’t just sigh – as a young person might – and relax, knowing that I’ll get home eventually. I am overcome by a need to drive to the house of the person who caused the jam, be it the driver who crashed or the traffic womble who shut the road or the boss of the construction company with no sense of urgency. And burn it down.
Being stuck in a traffic jam, watching your life ebb away in a relentless stream of inaudible flashes on the digital clock, is not annoying. It is terrifying.
And this brings me neatly on to the Renault Scénic. And the Citroën Picasso. And the Vauxhall Zafira. And the gone but not lamented Toyota Picnic. And all the other hateful mini-MPVs that sit in the showroom, reminding you that, like Lucy Jordan, you will never again ride through Paris in a sports car, with the warm wind in your hair.
I loathe mini-MPVs with a psychopathic passion. I loathe the way they are built, like zip-up slippers, purely for practicality. That they are so wilfully unstylish, so bereft of everything that makes a car interesting or fun. And that’s why, in recent months, I’ve been delighted to see they’re being overshadowed by a new range of off-road cars that can’t really go off road.
I’m talking about the Nissan Kumquat, the Nissan Murano, the Land Rover Freelander, the Lexus RX and the soon-to-be-launched Ford Kuga. Yes, when all is said and done, they are mini-MPVs, but the inherent practicality is garnished with a bit of zest, some chunky tyres and a dollop of four-wheel drive. They are, if you like, Doc Martens zip-up slippers.
The new Mazda CX-7 is a classic case in point. They’ve gone a bit bonkers with the styling cursor at the front where it’s all swoopy and mad, but, overall, this is an exceptionally good-looking car. And no concessions are made to the terminally beige. It is not available with an automatic gearbox, and if you want a diesel, you’ll have to look elsewhere.
The only engine on offer is a four-pot 2.3, which, thanks to the fitting of what feels a large and muscular turbocharger, develops a considerable 256bhp. That means 0 to 62 is dealt with in an astonishing 8sec, and the top speed is electronically limited to 130. This, then, is not a Doc Martens zip-up slipper. It’s a full-on Nike Air slipper.
I especially liked how it felt in fourth gear, at 2700rpm. At this point, the turbo has girded its loins, and you can feel it tensing, twitching, straining at the leash, eager to catapult you and your dicky hips out of the drudgery of middle age and into the red zone.
Yes, of course, there is a price to pay for all this oomph. And it comes at the pumps, where it will be revealed you’re getting through the kids’ inheritance at the rate of £5 every 20 miles or so in town. The good news is that the car itself isn’t very expensive to buy. At £23,960, it costs less than anything that calls itself a rival.
The reason for this becomes clear when you step inside. It is like being stuck inside an IT consultant’s left shoe. It’s grey, with a splash of more grey. And there’s nothing to play with. There is no satellite navigation, no trip computer, no curious buttons that don’t appear to do anything and that you can study for years, trying to work out why they’re fitted.
What you do get is a volume button on the steering wheel that, when you push it, makes a beeping noise. Why? As a general rule, I make the radio louder because I want to hear what’s being said, not some stupid beep from the car. That annoyed me.
I don’t need a beep to tell me the radio is getting louder – I can hear it. I also don’t need a beep to say the door is open, the key is in the ignition or I haven’t put my seatbelt on. I am aware of all these things. The only beep I want is when I’ve left the lights on. And this goes for all cars. Should I ever come to power, I will make it law.
But, anyway, back to the CX-7 and some more problems. Because it is a high-riding, chunky-tyred 4x4, it doesn’t ride as smoothly as a normal car. And it isn’t quite as spacious in the back, or the boot, as you might have hoped. But the fact is this: you can’t have the style and the high driving position without these drawbacks. It is like going out for a lot of drink and hoping all will be well in the morning. It won’t be. There’s a price to pay for looking good and having fun.
Of course, you can get round all of this with a sensible diesel-powered Renault Mégane. Plus, if you go down this road, it’ll prepare you nicely for the day when you turn grey and a kindly nurse sticks a tube full of MRSA up your left nostril.
Me? Well, since I believe you should live life and not spend half of it in church, preparing for death, I’d take the Mazda, warts, beeps and all, every time.
Vital statistics
Model Mazda CX-7
Engine 2261cc, four cylinders
Power 256bhp @ 5500rpm
Torque 280 lb ft @ 3000rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 27.7mpg (combined cycle) 243g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 8.0sec
Top speed 130mph
Price £23,960
Rating 
Verdict Go on, drive against the dying of the light
Well, now I am just conflicted. I go to church (an Episcopal church, no less), enjoy the heck out of it, and drive a Mazda MX-5, which always puts a smile on my face. Perhaps Jeremy and I can agree on one thing: it is a damn shame for either a church or a car to be boring.
BTW I heard Jeremy say on TopGear that socialist women were better in bed than Tory women. I bet he got offers from at least a dozen Tory women who wanted to prove him wrong. That sly dog!
Phil USA, Reston, USA
Mr. Dave if you wish to read an informative motoring review I suggest you try one of our sad & sorry American auto magazines !!
All I have to say is "Classic Clarkson", Jeremy you should copyright that phrase soon, since your gonna be the next prime-minister and all :)
Wise Man, Beantown, MA
Oh dear, you do go to to some terrible churches. I think we all went there once. Time to wise up and go to one that is a bit more Caterham 7 than a zip up slipper. Plenty of them about. And they are breeding like rabbbits as people get turned on by the true message of the baby Jesus while beardie in the pulpit wonders why he's preaching to empty pews.
Al Muir, Bearsden, Scotland
Robert, Malaga, Spain... That is why you'll never be asked to write a motoring column (thank the lord!). Informative review? I think you'd send us all to an early grave through boredom.
Enjoy your beige presents this Christmas (or three kings)
Dave, Gibraltar,
You can accomplish more by taking a shower than idling through a Mass.
mike, boston, ma
JC - I'm surprised that you don't see the resemblance to the Mazda RX7 in the front where it's "all swoopy and mad" ?
As for toys - be greatful. The only toy in my 10 year old Freelander (Yes, yes, I know, but it's the love of my life) is the back window that goes up and down.
This is a most beautiful car, and it shall be mine when my Freelander dies.
Mike Norris, Cape Town, South Africa
I´m sending you my email again as you either did not receive it or you did not like it.
Clarkson writes 2 columns for the Times, one Motoring and the other general. The Motoring one seems to be less about Motoring and is becoming more general. What information was really imparted in this article about the Mazda. How can he say the Freelander is not an off road vehicle. Did he ever take the Mazda anywhere; did he even drive it? All new cars have rather stupid safety gadgets which are a pain, nothing new there. Give me a car for a day and I´ll give you an informative review not ramblings from someone who doesn't have to bother anymore.
Robert Thornton, Malaga, Spain
Mark - you think you're getting a raw deal with car prices? Spare a thought for the poor Irishman, with our prohibitive (and illegal) VRT. The CX 7 starts at €50k here - £36k. You don't know how good you have it mate.
Steve, Dublin, Ireland
Clarkson is a god among men!!
Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy!!!!!!
Moriarty, torquay, U.K
When I you supposed to give up sex.? Are there Government guidelines? It could be said to be a pleasurable activity , therefore something the New Puritan Government really should take control of .It`s interfered in most other forms of entertainment. Stop smoking, stop drinking, stop driving, stop flying, stop shooting, stop hunting, stop taking risks, stop it, stop it , ban it , prevent it. If you can`t stop it , tax it.. but be nice to immigrants and tolerant of forgiving of criminals, but it`s OK to go to the middle east and kill people there. It`s all down to Tony reading the bible too much and Gordon`s Scottish Presbretarian upbringing.
Graham Shears, Plymouth, UK
Come on Jeremy run for PM..... Get us Brits a fair deal on car prices...This Mazda CX 7 in the US starts at $24,350 thats £11,820 at the current exchange..... So why is it £23,950 in the UK.....cos us Brits are mugs...thats why!
Mark Atkins, Carmel/Kettering, California/Northants
jeremy for prime minister too , no more congestion charge and he would kill off all mini MPV's . the future's bright , the future's Clarksoned . . .
Luise, Cambridge, London
My car (Hyundai Coupe) doesn't beep if you leave the lights on.
It turns them off for you. There's some complex set of rules about when. It's something like opening the driver's door with the ignition off. But it just works.
And then next time you start it, it just remembers that it turned them off for you and turns them back on. For all practical purposes that means I turn the lights on in about September and off in about April and in between the car thinks about it.
That's civilised. Beeping at you to get you to do something that even relatively inexpensive cars can clearly handle themselves seems positively rude.
Katie Lucas, Cambridge, UK
Is this the same "peace" loving Christain Church that started all trouble with the other "peace "loving religion of Islam all those thousands of years ago?.... still fighting over whos God is the best !! give me the Mazda in traffic any day..than listening to hypocrite dribble
jimmymck, Marikina, Philippines
Jezza for God. What a wonderful breath of fresh non global warming air. Keep it up Jeremy.
Peter Jeffries, Ventnor, Isle of Wight
I like your style Mr Clarkson! Have you ever thought about writing a novel? It would be a much more productive use of your time than going to church.
JohnPotty, Perth, W.A.
that's what i like about you jeremy , you sit on the fence!
once again a good review, it makes a change for someone not to be one of the politically correct hse leckies that we get rammed down our throats by the nanny state.
jezer for pm!
gary farrell, tewkesbury, england
Jeremy, you are brilliant. Every otherday I leave my lights on, and all my Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster ever does is, well, nothing. I am going to put your name forward for the elections whether you like it or not. Soon, you will come to power.
Shay, London (the clean bit), England
Maybe we should just put Jeremy on the next election ticket, whether he likes it or not - better still we could start a petition on the #10 website to have him made a Lord - then he can sit on those plush red seats and make rude comments to the bishops on the cross benches - should help liven up the debates.
As for those Sunday mornings - how about windsurfing, sailing, skiing (the only English word with ii in it?) or maybe even an early morning spin down a stretch of autobahn - oh to be in Germany, where the roads are free and the sausages have meat in them.
Huw Sayer, Norwich, England
"Should I ever come to power, I will make it law."
Stop bloody talking about it Jeremy, at actually bloody do it. You'll be the best leader we've had since Churchill. And even then, I doubt Mr Churchill's capacity to power-slide. And Adrian would make a pretty good Chancellor too...
Lord Richard of Richard, London (the nice bit),
Take up Buddhism. Can a religion that invented martial arts be boring?*grin*
Michael, Pueblo, Colorado, US
not 'if' you come to power, 'when'...
Dave McCarthy, Auckland, New Zealand
Cheer up, Jez. You're still a relatively attractive man ;)
Here's something to bring a smile to your face. Did you know that James made the shortlist for Heat Magazine's Weird Crush of the Year, as well as the Pink Papers' (gay magazine) Sexiest Man Alive?
Tara, Birmingham,
Jeremy, you're obviously going to the wrong church mate - Christianity if about abundant life and if your church doesn't have that then all its got is religion (i.e. death) and you are better off not going there. Find a church where you'll hear God speak - yes you can hear God speak through people and when you do you are in no doubt that its God you heard - no doubt at all. Don't be put of by the happy clappys either or those US 'give us your money' phoneys on the religious channels. You want something a million times better than driving a ferrari or lambo on your TG test track or a Veyron at full chat? Get hold of the real Jesus Christ - you don't believe me that its the best thing ever and not at all religious? Check out Evel Knievel's testimony on You Tube. He found the real Jesus late in his life and he reckoned that doing so is far better than all the flash cars, boats, jets, helicopters, bikes, birds, booze etc he experienced in his life.
otrowlands, Reading, UK
Sitting in a traffic jam…why hasn’t anyone pointed out that, given the choice, you’d never choose to sit down somewhere inside a tin can with a glass front to do little more than just stare endlessly at an ugly dark grey or black ground with tedious little white bits in the middle? It’s just such a boring waste of your life…sure travel gives the feeling of change and the sense of the energy / power that is moving you is attractive. But…well, there are more interesting things such as spending time being up-lifted spiritually by the architecture, culture, aesthetics and soul of a church. And you can bicycle to one, if that’s what you’d like to do.
Christopher Oldham, Southwell, England
Jeremy. I think you have only tried a mini-MPV church. Perhaps it's time to try a Ferrari church, where you can be born again, filled with the Holy Spirit and really know what life is.
They are not all boredom and death you know. Same as cars. You will be jumping enormous walls in no time.
John Woodrow, Geneva, Switzerland
"As I round a corner on the motorway to be confronted by a lava stream of red brake lights I don’t just sigh – as a young person might"
Er no, not likely. I am 21 and I if I'm stuck in traffic it does not go down well. As for being so bored in church... try going to a different church. If your bored off your face, your probably in the wrong church.
Matthew, Bridgend,
"I am overcome by a need to drive to the house of the person who caused the jam, be it the driver who crashed or the traffic womble who shut the road or the boss of the construction company with no sense of urgency. And burn it down."
... all this anger. Both you and AA Gill. It's falling testosterone levels Jeremy. I'm sure men with your resources can find someone who'll sort that out for you for the next 20 years.
Paolo Bagarino, Roma, Italia
It was the CX-9 not the CX-7 that won Motor Trends 'SUV of the Year' award. Two totally different vehicles.
Jacob M., Gaithersburg, USA
I still want to know what relationship there is between Jeremys assessments of performance and the give n performance figures? will someone answer me
alan burden, mijas pueblo, spain
Too bad about the age, Clarkson, I think my Mother can relate as well (she is 47 too). But, a wonderful way to describe the CX-7 no-less, the winner of the "SUV of the Year" award here in the US from Motor Trend.
I personally liked it a lot until I saw it in person, it was smaller than I had imagined, and then parked across the lot was a Mazda6 Estate, and it made little sense to get the CX-7. Then again, maybe not. Should Mazda ever gain the wit to build us a 6 Estate with the 2.3L Turbo (or even the new 250+ BHP Ford V6), match it with AWD, I'd be sold.
Zoom, zoom. Smart, smart. It sounds like a good idea to me...
Brad Y, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA
We happen to be living in the US at the moment and drive a CX7 - the US version has SAT nav. However, more importantly Jeremy I think you have been attending the wrong kinds of churches!! There are 4 x 4 churches - no organs or drudgery and you would not be counting the seconds to leave! Try St Aldates in Oxford (think you might live near there!). Life is too short not to be going to church! Think about it - what on earth is the purpose of life otherwise? Go on, I challenge you to find a church that is ALIVE!!
Marian Halpin, Las Vegas, NV
"....a lava stream of red brake lights "
Every now and again, despite his manifest (and hugely entertaining) faults, Dr Clarkson reminds us that he's a pretty damn good writer.
Nice one.
Brendan, Melbourne, Australia