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Land Rover Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon
They're fighting the last war - in slow motion
A couple of years ago my wife decided that although she had some horses, the
other twin peak of country living was missing. So, she declared, we must
rush out immediately and buy what everyone calls “a proper old Land Rover”.
I do not understand the appeal. It offers what’s best described as Sealed Knot
motoring, giving its devotees an idea of what life might be like if they had
to go about their daily business wearing a full suit of armour. It’s like an
automotive Aga: big, heavy, cumbersome and completely ill at ease with
itself in the modern age.
Having said that, Richard Hammond is a big fan of old Land Rovers, though
because he’s only 5ft 1in tall his is fitted with Cuban heels in the shape
of elongated red springs and some high-chair struts.
The F-reg car that my wife bought for £4,000 was much better than that. It had
silent air screamers on the front wings, which, as air passes through them,
emit a shriek that’s audible only to any deer or bears that might be in the
road up ahead. It also had tyres on it that were wider than anything found
on a Lambo, and even more knobbly than the Singing Detective’s face.
Apparently it had once belonged to the Swiss army, which was also tremendous.
It meant it couldn’t have seen much action.
And because of its military pedigree it had full camouflage paintwork, super
black tinted windows, an SA80 clipped to the dash and a 20ft aerial at each
corner. It also had a metal roof that could be removed in as little as two
days, providing you had six friends to help you, and a small crane.
Mind you, this was not the biggest drawback. No, the biggest drawback was the
fact that under the bonnet it had a paraffin stove. It was — and I’m not
exaggerating here — the slowest car ever made. And so, when it was charged
with the task of towing a horsebox laden with Evo-Stick and Araldite — or
whatever it is my wife’s horses are called — it would barely move at all.
Once, on a not-too challenging hill outside Chipping Norton, it just stopped.
Honestly, there was more horsepower in the trailer.
This caused many rows. Last year, for instance, I set off in it on December 10
to buy a Christmas tree and I didn’t get back till April.
I hated that car. I hated the heavy steering, and the fact that every time you
closed the door it smashed your shoulder into several small pieces. I hated
the lack of legroom, and the way the 1.5 horsepower paraffin stove managed
to make more noise than the Hoover dam.
Passengers, too, were worried about the sharp edges in the cabin, which they
reckoned would be a serious issue in a crash. Chance would be a fine thing;
you need to have some speed to have an accident, and our Land Rover wouldn’t
even go fast enough to get the air screamers working. Not that this was a
problem, because even if you came round a corner at full speed, a tortoise
would have time to amble out of your way.
Eventually I won the day and my wife agreed to swap this stupid car for one
with an engine. A big one.
You can buy V8 Land Rovers. They were made from time to time and for various
foreign markets. But they are rare and consequently expensive.
Don’t despair, though, because there are plenty of Land Rovers lying around,
and plenty of old V8 engines. So we simply bought the two entities — for
next to nothing — and asked a man we knew to join them together.
I should explain that the V8 we found was not a 3.5 litre. Richard Hammond has
a 3.5 in his stepladder, so we got ourselves a 3.9, which is much better.
It’s also fitted with carburettors so, if it goes wrong — and it will
because it was made by communists — it can be fixed with the only item in my
toolkit. A hammer.
Apparently it’s very easy to fit a V8 into a Land Rover and even easier to fit
a lever on the dash that directs the exhaust gases either down past the
catalytic converters and the silencer, or if you pull it, along a length of
ventilation tubing. No silencing. No cats. Just 5mpg and without doubt the
best noise in the world.
And because we’ve fitted all the cool military stuff from the previous model,
it looks pretty snazzy as well.
However, despite all the noise and the brouhaha and the “don’t mess with me”
combat exterior, it still accelerates with the verve and pizzazz of a coral
reef.
Maybe this is an unavoidable problem. Maybe the Land Rover is like a heavy and
unwieldy deep-sea diving suit; you can fill it with the world’s fittest and
strongest man but he’s still not going to win any running races.
To find out, I borrowed a new Land Rover. It came with electric windows and
heated seats and lots of other creature comforts, and it was finished in a
natty silver paint job that made it look very Camden Town.
It also had a relatively modern five-cylinder turbodiesel engine that produces
lots and lots of torque. You can feel it when the turbo blows, like a
herculean inner strength, an invisible trebuchet that would be capable of
freeing you and your suit of armour from the pit of any bog, from the jaws
of nature’s iciest grip.
But power? No. It still hasn’t got any. You have to drive everywhere with your
rear-view mirror full of headlights dancing hither and thither as people
behind look desperately for a way past.
It also has a set of gear ratios that may be fine in Swaledale in February but
are no good anywhere else. Often fourth isn’t enough to get you up a hill,
so you drop down to third and it feels as though you’ve been hit in the back
with a wrecking ball. All of a sudden you’re doing 35mph but your eight-ton
suit of armour, making a noise that sounds like the birth of the universe,
has come to an almost dead stop.
What’s more, there still isn’t enough room behind the wheel for anyone with
shoulders or legs, there are still sharp edges, it’s as bouncy as a small
dog at suppertime, and as a result it’s about as much fun to drive as a
punctured wheelbarrow. And it’s not like the misery is short-lived, because
each trip to the shops can, and does, take two or three weeks.
So why, in the name of all that’s holy, doesn’t Land Rover simply stop making
the Defender and replace it with something that actually works? Something
that’s still designed for Swaledale but has space for your shoulders. I’ll
tell you why. It’s because they’re suffering from a British disease called
Mini Syndrome.
All of us are terrified of change. It’s why the Royal Navy’s second world war
battleships were so crap, because rate of fire was what won the day at
Trafalgar, so rate of fire was always going to be more important than size
of shell, or indeed accuracy, or armour plating for that matter.
It’s why we have a royal family. Of course it’s nonsense to hand over the
reins of the nation to someone just because they were born in a castle. But
hey, we always have done and look what happened when His Toniness replaced
the hereditary peers in the House of Lords with a cash for honours system .
. .
Then you have the Mini. For years the original version soldiered on because to
change it would mean ditching 40 years of tradition. And that wouldn’t have
been on.
As a result the company went bust and along came the Germans, who demonstrated
with the new Mini that tradition doesn’t necessarily mean driving to work in
the automotive equivalent of rickets.
We see exactly the same with the “proper old Land Rover”. It’s rubbish:
uncomfortable, slow, impractical and with prices starting at £20,000, not
that cheap. But nobody has the courage to pull the plug on a 60-year
tradition, and start again. But somebody should.
VITAL STATISTICS
Model Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon
Engine 2495cc, five cylinders
Power 122bhp @ 4200rpm
Torque 221 lb ft @ 1950rpm
Transmission Five-speed manual, 4x4
Fuel 28.2mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 282g/km Acceleration Figure not available
Top speed 87mph
Price £20,540
Rating Two stars (out of five)
Verdict Back to the bad old days
Well you have to hand it to Clarkson..he is funny. I was in tears laughing at this article, and I love our Defender! Subjectively the Defender doesn't stack up against fashion 4x4's but in reality it's the only vehicle we've owned that we fight over who gets to use it.We traded a Mini Cooper for it.
Martin Oliver, Stockport, UK
We in the UK military use Defenders in a few forms, the regular non-armoured, the Snatch lightly armoured and the wimic fully stripped gun-wagon... and they are great. Anything that goes wrong can be fixed with a leatherman and some quick thinking. Go anywhere, do anything... perfect for the job.
Paul, Hull,
I own a TD5 with 130,000 miles on the clock & it is totally bombproof!, used mostly off road too.
Classy looks & even tired 85 Land rover models still fetch £3k, so depreciation won't sting you, i gave £4.5 k for my 2000v reg TD5, it will still be worth near that in 5 years time - get one !!
lee davidson, hull, uk
pathetic brakes, worse wipers - better off with a bx !
fi, newcastle upon tyne, uk
I work in the forestry industry as a contractor and have owned various 4x4's over the years. I work them hard - day in,day out - off road, towing and hauling loads, plant and crew - not towing the horse box for the wife on a weekend. NOTHING beats a Defender for rock solid work.
paul, harrogate, yorkshire
Agree with all the power comments having grown up with the workhorse in Wiltshire. Now living in US own a 97 built for the US market - 4.0 V8. Plenty of power, better gearing [automatic]. Still gives me the warm and fuzzy everytime i climb in. You're either a lover or not!
Ian Cross, Philadelphia, United States
Well What can I say you either love em or you hate em personally I love them I own a td5 and will have it for a long long time, its never let me down and as for envirormental issues - How many cars will you own during the time I have my Land Rover. I only needed one factory to produce mine! 20yrs +
Andy, Ellon, Scotland
For a practical 4WD in Africa you cannot beat the Land Rover Defender 110. Yes it has its faults but these are outweighed by its star qualities. Sand or mud it is the least likely to get stuck, long distance comfort on truly appalling roads (so bad you can only average 25mph), carrying capacity is unrivalled in a vehicle this size. We have retrofitted forward facing seats in the back and high back seats in the middle so that we can take a driver plus 6 passengers in reasonable comfort. We fitted a home made top box for the luggage. Now for the bad side, Land Rover, or rather Ford are installing high tech computer maintained engines that require highly trained mechanics that we don't have and can't get! Other major faults, the vehicle is too narrow by about 6", leg room in front and middle is poor and worst of all the steering requires constant maintenance when used in the conditions here. I hope the Indians, if they buy Land Rover as rumoured have the courage to do a complete redesign!
Charles Carron-Brown, Bangui, Central African Republic
I like 4x4 vehicles .i have had 2 and am looking for my third , i would love a defender but i am a working person who needs to spend what little money he has wisely and defenders just dont stack up!.I keep hearing these LR people slating the Yanks,and the Japs but the truth is the cherokee i had ( VM 2.5td) was a lot better than my Isuzu,and probably the best car i have ever had until my son put an end to it!.It was never off the road and as i canoe, shoot , and fish was used to its full potential of course all you landy guys might say your cars can climb this and climb that but i honestly dont know 1 that has kept going long enough to climb it and come home!.If you couple the dire reliability record with the absolutely crazy used car prices ,well as i said i would have to be mad.
Mr J Brown, Glasgow,
Landys drive awfully, but thats beside the point. Driving one of these machines (for calling them 'cars' is much to limited a word for them) is a statement. It is one of the classiest things to drive, even when it gets old. Compare that to a Merc or a BMW, which become tacky over time, and you'll see my point.
Driving LR's is something completely unparalleled.
O , Tilburg, Holland
AGreed with JC.
Have owned 4 series 3 including two lightweights - plus a 110 TD5 and they are all awful.
Still love it though!
N Yeung, Singapore, Singapore
Dear oh Dear. How unfortunate that Mr.C can't see that a Defender has nothing to do with driving comfort etc etc but a whole lot more to do with....with.....damn! With what? Dunno really but I wouldn't ever drive anything else. I love the squareness and rustic look of it - the lack of frills is refreshing too - the way you can open the back door and chuck half a sheep inside without batting an eyelid - the front three seats are fun too if you get rid of cubby box and hey....I dont wanna do more the 70MPH anyway....honest. Cars are mundane they all look alike but nothing really replicates the Defender. It is classless too - we know someone driving a Ferrari has cash to burn but a Defender driver? Could be a Lord or a Labourer. I have just paid out a load of cash for a 06 black Defender and for the same money I could have got loads of car for my money. But I dont want car.....I want rustic box and that is what Mr.C will never understand
Haig, Pangbourne, UK
jeremy as an avid top gear watcher i realymust disagree with what you have said about land rover , yes they are slow , handle like a giraffe on stilts, are noisy and draughty but thats half the fun of owning one, land rovers arnt made to hurtle down the motorway at 100 mph they are made to go off road, un like most pieces of jap crap ( show a toyota hiluk a grass verge and they get stuck ). as a self confessed land rover nut , i would not change my landy for anything, if it came to a choice of the wife or my landy i would sell the wife, and as for being unreliabe some are some arnt , my 90 has covered 220k ands i have had it for 80 of those with nothing major going wrong, its just like any othert vehicle, service them regulary, clean them after going to play in the mud, and they will give you reliability and so much pleasure in summary. LAND ROVER THE BEST 4 X 4 X FAR.
dave parry, birmingham, west midlands
You are welcome to your opinion Jeremy. It IS just that-your opinion. It does, however, display your biased emotions. You apparently possess greater knowledge and authority on the subject than us mere mortals; sadly though, the fact that Land-Rover still sells Defenders after 60 years undoubtedly proves that what you blatently state as 'rubbish' is quite the contrary.
I prefer believing/considering the opninions of those who have true 'street credibility' when the issue is as important as it is when the time arrives to purchase an expensive (reletively) vehicle that is to last a decent while, performing it's intended tasks. It's pretty important to compare apples with apples.
Ari de Beer SASC, Johannesburg, South Africa
hi there
my father and i has previously owned 2 landrovers and both have been rubbish! unreliable, underpowered, and a total waste of money!!!
please people out there buy a real 4x4. A toyota Hilux, ENOUGH SAID!
fenick mews, hexham, uk
You mad man! Mine is a dream. It holds all I can put in it and my family, bikes too. I can get up to 90, but don't need to. Why would I want the world to pass me by at such an alarming rate that I would miss it? It can take anything you can throw at it and it still runs. No engine troubles even at 149000 miles and not as juicey as a V8, although I would love the power. Funny enough Her Maj drives one too. I would also like to point out that this is not just my opinion, I have a house full of kids and a wife who feel the same.
Paul, Southend, Essex
Jeremy,
keep a Landy as a toy, Drive something else on the road, it works for me
Les Bennett, Birmingham, England
Wish you'd make your mind up Jez, I saw you cheering the Landie on Youtube.
Phill Barlow, Heswall, UK
Dear Jeremy
Please continue to berate this antiquated, noisy, slow vehicle.
The sooner the owners of these ridiculous cars realise their grave mistake in purchasing such an awful heap of scrap, the sooner prices will drop to the point that I can afford one!
Love is blind Mr Clarkson, be it love for elderly four wheel drives or four legged glue sticks ;-)
Richard Hough, Knutsford, Cheshire
Missed the point on the landy here, they have a huge amount of power but its for hauling and moving itself when nothing else can. Its ability offroad in the hands of a decent offroad driver will outshine any numpty bashing over stuff!!
Also what have you been doing to make yours so slow?! Sort the carbs out. Maybe put some webers on there to get the speed from the engine and get the ZF geargox that is meant to be linked to the V8 not the old orginal one!
If you have a diesel one look up Alisport and see what they can do. I dropped in a new intercooler and my mud plugger on huge mud terrains can now cruise at 80mph. They offer a lot more aswell including a Propane boost system that acts in a similar way to NOS but doesnt cost much at all.
Andy Cowman, Egham, Surrey
If a defender is prehistoric (coil springs all round) what is a hilux with cart springs on the back pre-prehistoric?
Mark Williams, Denbighshire,
Dear Jeremy
I usually agree with your column (ooeer) but do you not recall that the Landrover came top of a Top Gear poll ?
The fact it it does what it says on the tin. It is an Agricultural vehicle that just happens to go a bit faster than most agricultural vehicles. My own Landy (with '750 tyres and a 200TDi engine) can reach the giddy heights of 70mph and would go faster if the gearbox ratios allowed it, but it is designed to offer lots of torques at low revs to climb hills and tow horses around in their caravans.
Seriously though, when you buy a landy, you are not expecting Aston Performace or VW reliability. You get a vehicle that is fun to drive, that you don't mind the baby being sick in, that can transport all your recycling to the tip with ease, and that has real character unlike many of the 4x4's on the roads today. The fact it has lasted so long explains it's popularity. The only issue is it's carbon footprint, but then when did any of us worry about that ?!
Stephen Auty, Malmesbury, Wilts, UK
I've got a BMW engined 2.5 turbo diesel Defender and I think it's a great car. Fine, the top speed is crap, the handling is awful and the acceleration is non-existent, but I just don't care.
The reason the Defender has survived is because, in addition to the surprisingly appealing looks, it is immensely satisfying to know that you could drive to France without using the Eurostar - it's just the fact that you probably don't want to go to France holding you back.
Oh and power wise? I've towed a fully loaded horse lorry on gravel with no problems at all in the past. If you're looking for a better tower, I think your expectations are a bit too high.
Tom Maddox, Shropshire, UK
Hello from South Africa!
Over here I own a Land Rover Defender 90 with a modern, powerful 2.8i BMW 24 valve petrol engine.
Huh?
As an experiment, and in this country only, under BMW ownership Land Rovers were sold here in the late 90's and early new millenium alongside the TDi with this amazing engine. There are quite a lot of them around - and nobody is selling - they are fantastic. And incredibly reliable, except for the bits made by Land Rover. :-)
Etienne, Kyalami, South Africa
the defender is prehistoric compared to a toyata hilux. landrovers really are a joke they are so unreliable.
bb, cornwall, uk
JC. PLease think what the Defender's intended use is.... work horse. Driving slowly around fields and forests in low ratio. Not doning 90 down the m25.
I have an ex military 110 HiCap with a carbed 3.9 V8 awesome in the desert and Wadis. Sounds great, handles like an elephant on the road. But, hey, its not an LP640, its a full on 4x4. But I bet it will get a lot further on the road than an LP640 will do in the sand...
Guy Rendell, Dubai, Dubai