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Here's to health and safety
If you love cars you are up against a global conspiracy to destroy your spirit. You must rebel
Recently, Boris Johnson jokingly wondered what had happened to all those Trots
and Bolsheviks from the 1970s. Boris, my dear chap, they never went away.
And now there are many more of them, living among us, posing as normal,
respectable members of the human race. It’s just that they’re not called
Trots and Bolsheviks any more. They’re called environmentalists and health
and safety officers.
Think about it. A single health and safety man can inflict more damage on
business and industry than an army of Red Robboes. And the goals of an
environmentalist far exceed the aspirations of even the most hardbitten
1970s communist.
Back then, your hardline leftwinger wanted to nationalise industry, to
confiscate its power and put its wealth in the hands of the people.
Eco-mentalists want to get rid of it altogether. They don’t want us all to
be rich. They want us all to be poor.
The level of carbon dioxide they want us to produce cannot be achieved with
just a slight lifestyle shift. It will require a total abandonment of
central heating, air-conditioning, supermarkets, transport, global trade,
airlines; everything. Not even Arthur Scargill wanted that.
Now, if you want to build a kitchen extension you must satisfy the local
council that you will not be wasting energy. And don’t think you’ll be able
to get a cheap builder either because he has to spend 103% of everything he
gets on hard hats, ear muffs and hi-vi jackets. Because if he doesn’t and
one of his chippies falls off a ladder he’ll be sued and his insurance
company won’t cough up.
Complain and you’ll be hit with the sledgehammer of morality. “Do you want
people to die for the price of a plastic hat?” Well no, obviously, but nor
do I want to be prevented from doing my job by someone who is trying to
prevent an accident; something which, by its very nature, cannot be
foreseen. And nor do I want to be told to buy a Toyota Prius, or a goat,
because some weird beard at the South Pole has asked a computer to predict a
catastrophe. And it did.
Of course, anyone who dares to argue against the twin-pronged society mashers
of environmentalism and health and safety will be ignored by the
eco-bulldozer that is television news. With a Pravda-like attitude to
impartiality, it never gives credence to those who deny man has anything to
do with global warming, painting them as mad, or George Bush.
Whereas every two-bit research project that enables them to show a drowning
polar bear is given blanket coverage. If a fish gets washed up on a beach
somewhere, a juddery-bottom-lipped reporter is sent to say it’s all our
fault the poor thing died. If a beetle in Indonesia is about to be made
extinct by deforestation, that gets pride of place over, say, a murder or a
200,000 rise in the unemployment figure.
Check it out. News reports always say global warming scientists “have found
that . . .” This makes it a fact. Whereas BP and Shell “claim that . . .”
Which makes it seem like a lie. Subtle, but it works.
David Cameron knows that unless he makes all sorts of furry, purry green
noises he’ll be dismissed by sneering news readers as a lunatic. There are
those who say Tony Blair should go, not because of Iraq but because of
Kyoto. How are these people allowed crayons? How can they think the plight
of a disused frog is more important than the plight of a nation? They do,
though. And later this year the BBC is giving over a chunk of its schedules
to programmes that, in essence, will demand we lay down our cars, shut down
our offices and go back to the Stone Age. And no one in power at the biggest
most respected most powerful broadcasting organisation in the world has
thought to stop it. I love the BBC with all my heart but they’ve gone mad on
this one.
Of course, in this maelstrom of propaganda and politics the car is a casualty.
And that makes me the devil incarnate. I’m criticised by some Scottish chief
constable one day for encouraging people to drive fast and then lambasted by
Welsh assembly members for saying public transport is for poor people. Which
it is. My crime is simple. I like cars.
I like the shape of a good car and the noise it makes when you push its engine
to the limits. I like the tummy tugging g-forces in a corner and I get the
same sort of pleasure from a well held power slide as others do from scoring
a 40-yard goal.
What’s more, the car is perhaps the only machine in our everyday lives that
can dump a ton of dopamine into your arterial route map while performing the
humdrum task of moving you from A to B. A toaster cannot do that.
Things that appeal to your inner animalistic being — good food, sex and drama
— cannot also keep you dry in a rain shower or get your flat-packed
furniture home from the shop. The car appeals on every level. Personal
freedom. Practicality. Excitement. You’d have to be a Darwinian oxbow lake
to not want one.
Yet that’s what the modern day Trots and Bolsheviks want. For you to replace
your BMW with a cow. Even though a cow produces more global warming gases
than a BMW. And also doesn’t have electric windows.
The government, however, is even more idiotic. It wants us to buy the car, pay
the Vat, and the tax, and the tax on the Vat, and the tax on the Vat on the
fuel in the tank. And then it wants us to leave it at home and go to work on
the bus. We are being governed by window-lickers.
Did you know the road tax on your car is not calculated on how big it is, or
how much it costs, but on how much carbon dioxide comes out of the exhaust.
Honestly, I wish I could live long enough to see historians in the 25th
century trying to work out why Gordon Brown did that. I suppose they’ll look
at him in the same way we look at preachers of eugenics in the 1930s.
Misguided by scientists we now know got their sums wrong.
So what’s to be done? Well, you must learn to blank out the eco noise in the
same way people who suffer from tinnitus learn over time to blank out the
whistle. Certainly, when I see a drowning polar bear on the news, followed
by a picture of a car exhaust, I put my fingers in my ears and hum old Thin
Lizzy songs.
Second, you must accept that petrol would be expensive with or without Kyoto.
The government has a vast number of health and safety people to employ and
you must foot the bill.
And third, you must steady yourself for the annoyance of losing your licence
from time to time. With 6,000 speed cameras nestling in every bush and
parked van, they will not stop until they’ve got the accident rate down to
zero. Which will be never.
Once you have accepted all this, you should buy the fastest and most beautiful
car that falls into your grasp. You should drive it whenever and wherever
the mood takes you, paying the fines and the charges and the tolls. You
should use it as a tool and as an extension of your personality. You should
enjoy it. And you should also pray to God I’m right.
Because unlike the eco-mentalists, I’m not sure what the planet will do next.
I do know, however, that there is nothing more dangerous than the illusion
of knowledge.
The basic function of a automobile is transportation of male quality butts from one place to another place, preffably where they can do business. Then suddenly in early 1990´s there was a Gentlemans car with a soul beeing built by the premium winners of WW3, German Automotive Industry. Car? BMW 850
Peter, Stockholm, Sverige
I hate greenies :(
They want us all to go back to living in caves.
Greenies are not pro-environment.. they are ANTI HUMAN! How did the greenies get so much power!?
How on earth did this happen!?
I'll tell you how.. APATHY.
If only more people spoke up like JC, we'd be better off.
John, Melbourne, Australia
Its about time we did what the French do and stand up for our selves and start burning a few sheep inthe roads to show what a load of crap we are being fed by the loony greens Global warming has been going on for years and years its nature for heavens sake.Its just about getting more tax out of us
John Harris, Bewdley, England
"Because unlike the eco-mentalists, I’m not sure what the planet will do next. I do know, however, that there is nothing more dangerous than the illusion of knowledge."
That is brilliant, possibly the most impervious way to shut up a greenie I have ever seen!
Jack, Bradford, England
(just to clarity - God only knows I want to be eco friendly ... i'm currently seeing how many miles I can squeeze out of a tank in my current car, including not going over 55mph and acclerating/braking in the ACTUALLY most efficient ways (not how Quentin Wilson said on his stupidly misleading program, recently!), and if its a bad result I'll have to change it... but there's some things you can't deny without actually being a liar, no matter how zealous you may be. I've got a new job coming up. I've looked into both cycling, as it's "only" 14 miles, and taking public transport, as my city is generally well connected for bus and train, and the start/end points are both in outer suburbs. However, even at >£4 in petrol each day, I'll probably end up driving. Taking public transport will involve a problematic change, crowding, a lengthy walk, braving weather & losing at least 30 MORE precious minutes each way; as for cycling, there's MASSIVE hills that will cut speed to single digits..!)
MP, Birmingham, UK
Polar bears drown as the seas rise ... one of the great greenie howlers. I'm probably one of a very small minority of your readers who has actually seen wild polar bears -- and I actually drove there when I did so (the Dempster Highway in Canada). Polar bears are some of the strongest swimmers in the mammal kingdom. They will literally swim across 40 miles of Arctic ocean to an oil drilling platform. By the way, your description of 1970s reds and pinks turning into 21st century greens is just as true for Canada as I'm sure it is for Britain.
MC, Vancouver, Canada
Excelent and honest! I never thinked, that J.K. is in principle conservative speeker on social things on behalf of normal people too! We here in Latvia are not so much going crazy with those greens and their fantasies , but their propoganda are more and more taking place there too. But as you know, Latvians like big 4x4 vehicles or other big cars because in Soviet times it was imposible and this keep them safe from so hipersensitive attitudes. And to read in many car tests about CO2 emissions is nonsense to us. I myself wait for Nissan Qasqhai comming soon from England. Long live Jeremy.
JÄnis, Ventspils, Latvija
In what way reducing car use means going back to the stone age?
Tony, Verbier, Switzerland
Only when the World leaders give up their own, subsidised, vehicles, and stop flying to exotic locations to have meeting about meetings about global warming. When government office staff learn about OFF switches for lights not required when buildings are empty, will I start to believe that we can have any influence on the temperature of the Globe.
I am holding my breath !!!
George Rushton, Maidenhead, Dis-United Kingdom
Brilliantly put. I would like to take the opportunity to use the phrase 'Illusion of knowledge" in situations where I need to hide my lack of intelligence. Especially when those know-it-all-Yale-scientists force us, God-loving-patriots, to reconsider our behaviour. Let them move to Greenland with there awareness and let me play with my toys. Thank you Jeremy, finally I have an answer for all those that have bothered me. I will tell them:
Who says children don't like sex with adults, that's just an "Illusion of knowledge"
Who says nuclear waist polluted the Irish Sea, and cigarettes can be addictive. Did the holocaust actually happen or is this just another "Illusion of knowledge". Thank you so much for these words, though how frightening that some people will actually read this and think 'This guy is right you know, somebody finally tells the truth'.
Hans, Copenhagen, Denmark
Wow Jeremy
Just when I had it fixed in my mind that you were another tedious anti Bush anti American screed writer hiding behind super cars and a mildly witty style.....
Now I gotta admit this article is great for its message and style of delivery. I admit it! I was wrong! Maybe your huge popularity in the UK is NOT underserved!
One thing..have the other bloggers noticed that the one eco-whiner (JR) is once again proving a maxim I have developed. If someone says a belief is axiomatic as a method of cutting off argument (like "all scientists") just laugh it off because that is the signal to call "Bulls...". Now that is what I would call "axiomatic"
Thks Again
JLK
JLK, Portland,
Thank God Jeremy is prepared to stand up against the eco-mentalist left wing, and Thankyou God Top Gear is one of the only places on the TV (espeically the BBC) that doesnt force feed us with eco-propoganda
Matthew Jones, Penryn, Cornwall
If only we could vote for people like this to run the country. Instead we have a selection of morons trying to tax us till we die (and beyond) so that we can't leave our houses that we can't afford. They won't be entirely happy with the "carbon footprint" until everyone stops breathing - which explains the increasingly rubbish NHS.
Nicholas , Weybridge, UK
Absolute brilliance Jeremy - apart from not mentioning the vast amounts of money the greenies are extorting from their schemes, you just about covered the whole 'green scene' in a nutshell.
Andy, Leeds, UK
Well said that man, against the control freak lobby. Clarkson would not be for giving more power to the EU if he realised exactly how much it was behind punitive anti-motorist measures.
For a start, the EU dictates over 80% of our environmental policies, and its Emissions Trading System has meant us subsidising our German competitors by millions on so-called carbon credits.
The EU has sponsored anti-car initiatives like 'Car Free Cities Network', now stealthily repackaged as 'Access Eurocities'. Its 1996 Copenhagen Declaration urged ending the culture of mobility at local, national and European level.
John Prescott's early proposals for road pricing, Breaking the Logjam, were just a retread of European Commission proposals.
Unpopular road pricing is also being pushed as it is a cash-cow to pay for the ailing EU military satellite project, Galileo.
No wonder the Government won't listen to the people.
Brian, London, UK
Clarkson for Prime Minister! Let's put all the eco-lefties in a sustainable mud-hut village where they can cook lentils over a cow-dung fire and amuse themselves weaving raffia mats, which is clearly what they want to do, then the rest of us can get on with our lives.
Chris, Lichfield, UK
Here is a great site with some very good articles on global warming:
http://www.ourcivilisation.com/aginatur/moregw.htm
DK, Chicopee, MA, USA
Well said, and absolutely correct!
keith, Norman, OK, US
Car's give you a buzz? Well there obviously can't be any such thing as human-influenced global warning then. It's all a conspiracy by nasty scientists who want to take our toys away. I agree that we don't really knowenough but which side should we err on, Jeremy Clarkson's or virtually every climatologist in the world?
JR, Taunton , England
Absolutely brilliant! Clarkson at his best, I’ve taken his advice and bought the most beautiful and fastest car in my reach. Which is a Mini Cooper S, which since I have bought I have had 11 parking tickets and told by the constabulary to slow down on numerous occasions. I don’t care that it produces more CO2 then a small African village, they way I look at it I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (I bet you that the driver would not even get sentenced for that). Definitely looking forward to my next purchase in couple of years to a even faster car and best of all I have lost 3 of my 6 points that I gained whilst driving a 1.1l Citroen C2. So Happy Days!!
Amardeep Kalsi, London,
So true....thanks for standing up to the 'cow dung' pushers!!
Totally agree with fast & beautful car principle.....preferably Italian!!
Sriyan, Colombo, Sri Lanka
So true, at the same time had me in stitches.
Simon, Auckland,NZ,
I have missed hearing someone speak with common sense, thanks jeramey you are a gem!!! janet usa
janet, Detriot michigan,
"You should use it as a tool and as an extension of your personality." - what, so people can tell you're a tool without actually starting a conversation?
Ian, Sunderland,
Fantastic, vote Clarkson at the next election.
See you at the MPH in Birmingham....
Eddie, Moreton, Wirral
I guess some dinosaurs must have had a similar attitude of denial of the inevitability of their extinction.
Terry, Southampton,
Perfect!! now i can see clearly :)
Venkat, BANGALORE, India
I agree with you total. In Holland it´s about the same. I got so tired of it, I did the only thing that made sense: I left! I now live in Portugal, where the cars are a MUST. Hills are everywhere and many are very steep.
Parking is a problem, but the police don´t give priority to sticking a paper under you windshield. This is heaven for car lovers! You should come here and do a show! I bought a Galloper turbo diesel SUV and laugh and love love to pay tax: this 2000 kg tank cost me about 50 euro a year in road tax!
If that isn´t enough: I´m a photographer and love to make pics of wildlife and nature. Here I can decide to follow one of many dirt roads for some off-road fun or just to find quit places and sceneries away from people. Most dirt roads are open to the public, as it should.
And only here you are rewarded for driving diesel or gas; gasoline or petrol cars pay the most, because they pollute the most. Gas (GPL here) even pay half-price on the toll-roads... I LOVE PORTUGAL !!
Bertram Meppelink, Torres Vedras, Portugal
Brilliantly put! hahaha....just beautiful
SarmadR, Khobar, SaudiArabia
You see the light Jeremy and for that alone you are a British national treasure, whether Britain realizes it or not. Honestly if the worlds population knew the truth about climate change and that it's impossible to scientifically prove or disprove if people have anything to do with it people might worry about something worthwhile like the use of depleted uranium or the genocide taking place in Sudan.
Depleted uranium can travel with weather patterns and cause all sorts of horrible problems now. And what's more something can be done about it-unlike global warming (and cooling) which happens on its own.
Thank you for not being a sheep and listening to reason. We need more people like you.
Ramyar, Vancouver, Canada
"Illusion of knowledge" - brilliant!
Soren Andersen, Stockholm, Sweden
I salute you, "Doctor" Jeremy Clarkson. Long live the car.
Yuki Taki, Nagoya, Japan
Hear, hear!
Daniel, Wellington, NZ,
Ole!
Frederick Davies, Oxford, UK