A A Gill
Iconic Films
2 for 1 tickets to Casablanca, this coming Monday
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From
August 19, 2007
Mini Cooper S
Goodbye Bentley, hello cheeky boy
Your vital male organ. How come it’s only with your vital organ that size doesn’t matter? I mean, no one’s girlfriend ever said, “Of course size doesn’t matter, I don’t care what size the diamond is, or the handbag, the bra, the divorce settlement.” Whatever they say, size always matters.
But with cars, oddly the ones that get women waggling their little fingers at drivers are not the huge strap-on substitute beasts. No one ever looks at a bus driver and says he must be deficient in the trouser department. It’s speed and cost that draw attention to the Y-fronts.
I’ve no idea how the size of car got confused with good in bed. Personally, I’ve always thought that it’s men on stilts who are probably trying to compensate for nature’s deficiencies. Size and its place in a fluid and judgmental society has been occupying a lot of my thoughts recently.
You see I progress in a Bentley, and by any standard of measurement a Bentley is a big car. Measured in poles, rods, perches, chains and bushels, there is a lot of Bentley.
Now I know you’re going to ask me what sort of Bentley. Well, it’s a dark blue one with seats the colour of an autopsy buttock. Before the blue one, I had a yellow one with seats the colour of a Senegalese heavyweight. They said the yellow was chrome; actually it was renal failure specimen yellow.
And before that I had a Rolls-Royce, with ancient leather that was like the heel of an old Chinaman’s foot and a body the colour of a skinned cow’s tongue. That’s not my description, that’s what Rolls-Royce calls it – lange de boeuf. I like these big cars; I like their size.
Most cars are like hotel rooms; they all look the same. The guy who gives you the key says, “Can I show you where everything is?” and you say, “It’s okay, I know, I’ve stayed in a hotel before”. You don’t have to open the glove compartment to know there’s a Gideon Bible-sized manual that you’ll never look at, just like the one in the hotel.
But a Bentley is like a suite: the guy with the keys says, “Welcome to the Gondolier Suite” or the Presidential, or the Imperial. “Let me show you around.” The favourite simile for driving a Bentley is that it’s like some bit of furniture. It’s like driving a sideboard or a cocktail cabinet or a Chippendale hostess trolley. Actually, it’s like driving a honeymoon suite, though the sanitary truth is that like hotel suites you never use the extra room. There’s a boot you could pack the entire cast of The Sopranos in, and under the bonnet there appears to be a medium-sized nuclear reactor.
I love the Bentley. I love it because I’m a very bad driver and if you’re a very bad driver you like to have a good 6ft between you and the thing you’ve just hit. The Bentley has the displacement of the Graf Spey and the construction of the Flying Scotsman. The engine is like a stampede but the bit you sit in, the bit you spend your time in, is remarkably poky. Some might say with all the puffed-up leather and the hand-turned knobs and the callused woodwork it’s actually quite cramped. Even in the honeymoon suite the bed is just a bed.
I say I progress in the Bentley but the truth is I progress less and less. It sits outside my house like a Yorkshire alderman’s caravan and I wheel my bike round it. So I’ve decided, with regret and rue, to sell it. I’m going to get a Mini. Little and Large; Cannon and Ball; Morecambe and Wise. The Bentley’s the funny one, the Mini is the stooge. I could have just kept the bike, but then that’s like only having a tent.
The Mini Cooper S is a tardis car. It pretends to be small and neat and sylphlike, but the driver’s bit inside is huge. It’s about the same size as the Bentley, but it’s an Ian Schrager boutique hotel room rather than a Connaught.
It’s all design gimmicks that aren’t an improvement. Is that a tap or does it turn on the lights? The most annoying feature is the speedometer, the size of a soup plate, as if bigger makes quick faster. There’s another digital speedo behind the wheel – fast, faster and faster still. This is a little motor that wants you to think it’s Kate Moss. A pretty, naughty, goer.
When you stand it next to the original Issigonis Mini you realise how corpulent we’ve become in 40 years. What it’s actually like is a contemporary comprehensive kid compared with a skinny free-milk kid of the Sixties. The BMW Mini is a little chubby oik: it isn’t Kate Moss, it’s Jamie Oliver. Still all knock-me-back chat, ducking and driving, it has put on a couple of chins, indulged in a bit of chub.
The best thing about the Bentley, apart from the air-conditioning system that was the equivalent of six chest freezers, and came on chillier than a Ukrainian model’s knickers, was the fact that it is completely déclassé. The first thing people say about last century’s Bentleys is, “These are really cheap aren’t they?” They’re the cars that make you brothers in motoring with fourth division footballers, Midlands skip magnates, hippie Somerset baronets and East End video artists. Secondhand Bentleys are “so big that they can park in two style zones simultaneously”. They’re deeply cool and fundamentally uncool at the same time.
The Mini, on the other hand, is the sequel, the remake. It’s the remake of The Italian Job. It’s Life on Mars as opposed to The Sweeney, and it’s German, so cool doesn’t come into it. And it has one massive social disability, worse than being a Somali fundamentalist asylum seeker with drug-resistant TB: it’s used by estate agents. Not just used by them to get from 3bth to ftd ktchn but as a billboard for their ghastly business. The dumbest thing BMW ever did – well apart from the unpleasantness in the Thirties and Forties – was not banning estate agents from buying Minis. And if they did, not unfitting their brakes. Getting over the real-estate smear is a big ask for a fat-boy car but they’ve done it by being properly popular.
One in every five cars in London seems to be a Mini and I rather like the idea of being like everyone else. The great crowd of Minis have clubbed together to drown estate agents in the antichic of a nippy avalanche of runarounds. They are, essentially, big shopping trolleys.
How do the Bentley and the Mini compare to drive? Well they don’t, obviously. Mostly because you never get to compare. Driving in a city is exactly the same whatever you’re sitting in.
It isn’t the velocity or engineering that count. In fact all the dynamism, happy torque and Posturepedic velocity amounts to very little because you never get to experience them. Three or four times in the life of a car do you ever get to feel the carpet with your right foot. What matters is whether you can sit in it for long periods. Is it amiable and comfortable?
And the answer to both the Bentley and the Mini is yes. The old clubbable mock-Georgian library chairs of the Bentley are fine, and the Mini has the ergonomic grab-your-kidneys Milan bar stool business, which is also fine.
The most noticeable real-time business is parking, but then I never fail to be able to park the Bentley. It isn’t as if there are a lot of weeping, bladder-exploding Bentley and Rolls drivers out there unable to stop who only come to rest beached on soft verges when the gas runs out. It’s one of the mysteries of urban life, how everyone gets to park. It’s like musical chairs played with quantum physics.
The biggest difference, and finally the decider between keeping the Bentley and getting the Mini, was that you can’t just nip down to the shops in a Bentley. It doesn’t do nipping. Not because it can’t, but because it’s not in its nature. It wasn’t brought up to nip. Every journey is a sortie. You have to spend a couple of hours in a deckchair outside a wooden hut reading a three-week-old copy of the Racing Post and then someone rings a bell and you have to run out to your crate, do an instrument check, offer a cheery wave to the dog, and fire up the mighty V12, humming the Dambusters march. The Mini you just get in and drive without thinking. It’s only a Mini, it’s just the shops.
Ecologically, there’s no contest of course. The Bentley is far and away the best ecological option. The most wasteful dimension of motoring is car production. The Bentley is near-on 30 years old. It was built in Britain by hand. It had three or four owners before me. It’ll probably have five or six more and go on for another 20 years. That’s impeccable recycling.
It’s also very expensive to run, a three-point turn costs the equivalent of a house in Rwanda, but then environmentalists are always telling us that motoring should be made more expensive.
The Mini, the chubby chaser, also likes a bit of a binge, but in the end the Bentley has a big boot. However, it’s the owner who has to carry the baggage of association. The Mini is an egalitarian; it just says, “I’m probably not an estate agent, but I might be”. And I’d rather wheel my bike round a small penis substitute than a big one.
Vital statistics
Model Mini Cooper S
Engine 1598cc, four cylinders
Power 175bhp @ 5500rpm
Torque 177 lb ft @ 5000rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel/ CO2 40.9mpg / 164g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 7.1sec
Top speed 140mph Price £16,025
Verdict It might be small but it’s what you can do with it that counts
Have you told Jeremy?
Will, Atlanta, USA
I thought "nudge nudge" reviews like this went out with (Small) Car mag in the 60s but apparently they hung on, just like the Mini.
Stan, usa,
KAW,
Too common? Do you mean common in the sense that the oiks have them? Or common owing to their numbers?
There are a number of reasons why something may be common; it might be something like breathing (common to most living things). It might be that people have fallen for the hype (think balsamic vinegar) or it might be that a large number have people have found that something is really rather good and it doesn't need anyone to "acquire a taste for" (shorthand for "it's awful but I don't want to be left out").
MikeP, Ivybridge, Devon
How refreshing to see a balanced perspective 'have your say' from Suggsygirl of Worthing!
C. Young, Hampshire,
Question is Jeremy,
how will you spec yours? Which options do you find necessary and which do you find unreasonable to spend your money on?
Jeremy Blasongame, Murrieta, CA
New Mini = too common. Not only estate agents but driving schools use them! I certainly don't want to drive around in a car someone is learning to drive in or sell me a house from however good it might be! Anyway, the Mini isn't a Mini at all it's a BMW 0.5. £11,599 for a basic Mini One is way too expensive... and that's before you've even looked at the options list, which by the way is very long. No, the original Mini had soul and was classless. This one doesn't seem to know what it is.
KAW, Newton Abbot, UK
I was always led to believe that BMW stands for 'Black Man's Willy". Big, gas guzzling cars are for guys with serious self esteem issues to contend with and money to burn. Why don't they spend that surplus cash on the wife and kids ? What these expensive car owners forget is that they eventually have to get out of their cars and communicate with the rest of the human race. As soon as they open their mouths it becomes clear how inadequate they really are. They should get a life, and, in many of their cases, get a toupee.
Jimmy, Nottingham, England
When is Jeremy back?
Katie Smith, Oxford,
Its Mr Gill filling in for Mr Clarkson so all the Germany and BMW complaints can stop now.
Gav PW, London, UK
I can't ride in a car in which Marc Bolan died (30 years ago).
Haven, USA,
It's pathological; Clarkson just can't just help laying into the Germans and BMW in particular (as ever, disguised as humour, of course) even when he likes their products.
The most amusing thing is that Clarkson seems to think he "knows" what cool is (or isn't)...........
Paul, London,
Now this is one funny comment, especially considering the author of the offending article is A A Gill, not Clarkson
Tim, Coventry,
Paul, I don't wish to stop your rant but this wasn't written by Clarkson, the name at the top is AA Gill so unless you reckon that Clarkson secretly wrote it and wouldn't put his name to it I think you've just picked on the wrong guy for hating BMW or the Germans.
Daniel, Dundee,
No wonder Clarkson and Gill are such good friends. If I didn't know that Adrian was writing this, I would certainly have thought it was Jeremy. I'm guesing it's kinda of like that thing that couples suffer from - they start to become the same person after a while... (I'm not suggesting the love that dare not speak it's name exists between you two... well, much.) Anyway, I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to cars but I think given the choice between Bentley and Mini, I'd have the Bentley. I find it curious however, that there's no female equilvalent to the 'penis substitute' theory of cars. Do women who drive big cars wish they had bigger boobs? Or do they just pick based on colour and so therefore can't be expected to have their car make a statement about their lifestyle? I don't know and to be honest - I don't really care. Good job on the column, you did Jezza proud.
suggsygirl, Worthing,
Fredrick in Sweden --
Think WWII, Spitfires, RAF and all that.
Gregg, Indianapolis, IN, USA
@Roy Ellor, Salford
"...So why have other manufacturers not taken the hint?..." Have you not heard of the new smash-hit Fiat 500?
The point is BL/Rover was unique - a uniquely awfully run company that kept the same small car in production basically unchanged for 40years or so. Hence the jarring step-change to the current BMW MINI, rather than the standard progression a la VW/PSA etc. with Beetle to Golf, then to MkV Golf, 2CV to 207 etc.. That's what serious automakers do. The closest approximate to the unique Mini is the Porsche 911; once slated for obsolescence by the 928 30 years ago, but by continuous development in greater demand than ever today in its lifetime.
A Swede, Mr F Berg, pointed out above to the quintessential Brit-mobile driving Brit - Mr AA Gill in the Bentley - it's a V8 not a V12, and a British-owned car industry in Britain was squandered by just such daft, amateur attitudes in its executives as typified by Mr Ellor's ill-informed comment.
P Kelly, Birmingham,
Paul, that may be true, if Clarkson had written this article.
Darren, Norwich,
Horses for courses. You live in London (God save and preserve you), guess Mini Copper S (courtesy of BMW) fits the bill. Short overall length is good for parking; although steering lock may be an issue. Bentley is one of the few cars you can use to pick up four LHR arrivals with the obligatory Samsonite and hand luggage. But how often do you need to do that? Honda Element would be the far cheaper alternative, but you'd have to go grey import as this model is not sold in UK.
Subaru Impreza Sti could have been an alternative, but it would probably be nicked or vandalised. But then the odds of keeping your Cooper S in one piece are not good. Bet you wished you lived in a civilised, law-abiding country.
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Nagano
"The most amusing thing is that Clarkson seems to think he "knows" what cool is "
Er: it's AA Gill writing it this week...
James Harvey, London, UK
"It's pathological; Clarkson just can't just help laying into the Germans and BMW in particular" Perhaps you could cease your inane whittering to read that it was, in fact, written by AA Gill this week....
Chris, lichfield, uk
Great Article!
Almost Clarkson-esque, which is a big compliment.
As for the car, yes, well they might be fine in a country where 90% of the other vehicles are only slightly larger, but in this country where everyone thinks the NEED an SUV, it's a scary propostion driving one.
Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA
"It's pathological; Clarkson just can't just help laying into the Germans and BMW in particular (as ever, disguised as humour, of course) even when he likes their products.
The most amusing thing is that Clarkson seems to think he "knows" what cool is (or isn't)........... "
Fair point. However, the article was written by A A Gill.
Michael, London, UK
Well I for one think Mr. Gill is a lot better looking than Mr. Clarkson and indeed a gifted writer!
You might have to work a bit on those penis-metaphors though, there's something very unsavoury about people who constantly talk about penises. I believe it's a case of three 's a crowd...
Maarten, Oudenaarde, Flanders
The Graf Spee wasn't that big: a German pocket battleship of approx. 10.000 tonnes. Why not go for a modern U.S. carrier?
Hein Maassen, Leidschendam, The Netherlands
Spectacular article Mr Gill. Well written and very interesting.
Brendon, Johannesburg, South Africa
Where is Jeremy off to now? not that I miss him that much, this was still good.
Paul, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Paul of London: I'd say the most amusing thing is that you seem to think Jeremy Clarkson wrote this article. Maybe it's pathological, you just can't help laying into Clarkson, even when he didn't even write what you're criticising.
Paul , Zurich ,
Clarkson, have you been coaching Gill in OTT metaphors? Utter twaddle apart from these.
Neil, York, uk
Paul, you may not have realised this but this article was not penned by Clarkson but rather by his nemesis, A.A. Gill.
Tony Black, Malvern, Worcestershire
emm Paul it wasnt Clarkson this week!!
brian, Glasgow,
Paul in London. It's AA Gill covering for Jeremy - Doh!
Ad Hoc, Copthorne, England
Paul - Am pretty sure Clarkson isn't spelt AA Gill. Don't be so quick to defend your BMW.
Andy, Manchester,
It's pathological; Clarkson just can't just help laying into the Germans and BMW in particular (as ever, disguised as humour, of course) even when he likes their products.
The most amusing thing is that Clarkson seems to think he "knows" what cool is (or isn't)...........
Paul, London,
Oh and there's the new Fiat 500.
bob turner, lagoa, portugal
I've always been under the impression that Bentley uses a rather old V8, for the proper cars, and not any silly V12.
Fredrik Ahlsen Berg, Goteborg, Sweden
@Roy Ellor, Salford
"...So why have other manufacturers not taken the hint?..." Have you not heard of the new smash-hit Fiat 500?
The point is BL/Rover was unique - a uniquely awfully run company that kept the same small car in production basically unchanged for 40years or so. Hence the jarring step-change to the current BMW MINI, rather than the standard progression a la VW/PSA etc. with Beetle to Golf, then to MkV Golf, 2CV to 207 etc.. That's what serious automakers do. The closest approximate to the unique Mini is the Porsche 911; once slated for obsolescence by the 928 30 years ago, but by continuous development in greater demand than ever today in its lifetime.
A Swede, Mr F Berg, pointed out above to the quintessential Brit-mobile driving Brit - Mr AA Gill in the Bentley - it's a V8 not a V12, and a British-owned car industry in Britain was squandered by just such daft, amateur attitudes in its executives as typified by Mr Ellor's ill-informed comment.
P Kelly, Birmingham, England
For the second time, it's Graf Spee, not Graf 'Spey'.
And which Bentley of recent vintage has a V12?
Marcus Elwood, Brighton,
Maybe BMW could Jaguar and Land Rover... I could by a nice Jag and maybe could expect qualitiy in it... Minis I don't like, they nice to look at, like Springerstiefel, but people will talk about you...
Engelbert, Paris, France
Actually they have taken the hint, the new Fiat 500 is looking like it will be a bit hit and it's the exact same idea as the new MINI.
Ross, London,
The BMiniW has always intrigued me. Strange that BMW, in their Rover-induced nightmare, decided to enter the fray of small cars by effectively designing a new compact car and shoehorning it into the moulted skin of the Issigonis designed baby beast. So why have other manufacturers not taken the hint? (apart from VW with the Beetle thing, that is) Could we see a revived Ford Fiesta with styling cues from the Anglia? Or a Mark One Cortina revival with the guts of a Mondeo ST? The BMW Allegro? Methinks somehow it wouldn't work. A 2 litre common rail diesel engined Morris Minor lookalike may be some designer's fantasy, but the Mini truly was and is a one-off piece of design that shall remain timeless.
Roy Ellor, Salford, UK
I'm sorry AA but you can't fill in for Clarkson. I would not trust Clarkson to review a Bernie Inn (I've seen the F-word) and it is thus visa versa. This has truly thrown my Sunday morning repose into chaos. Jeremy I hope the holiday was good - you owe me 1x Sunday morning repose. And I think you owe Gilly a drinkypoos for filling in.
Alex Pritchard, Bristol, UK