Pity poor Prince William. Was there ever a less unexpected proposal than the one that every gossip columnist predicts he will make soon? With insiders telling us this week that our future King will drop to one knee by Christmas, any chance of romantically surprising Kate must be disappearing faster than cheeky Vimtos in Mahiki. Who are these insiders? Presumably the same shadowy informants who now breathlessly believe that the official status of “girlfriend” may finally have been conferred on Kate Middleton. Ah, “girlfriend” - a title first used by Elgiva, future wife of Edmund the Magnificent, in 938, and since given sparingly to royal squeezes only on the advice of the Knights of the Garter.

In fact, the story is so insubstantial that one can only conclude it is true. There is no better way for William to convince Kate that a proposal is unlikely than by leaking his plans to the tabloids: the UK press has had “royal insiders” variously describing (a) the reasons why the pair's break-up is inevitable; (b) the reasons why a summer wedding/elopement is inevitable; and (c) Prince Harry's debauched nights out, when he was actually secretly in Afghanistan. We're not fooled by Wills's double bluff: start investing in commemorative plates.

Commando Chalmers

It took just one short sentence for Judith Chalmers - TV presenter, institution - to effect a shift in a nation's memories. “I'm sorry to reveal that after 30 years of Wish You Were Here? I was pantless all the time!” She cheerily explains that it was the only way to stop a visible panty line on screen. We Wish She Hadn't Told Us.

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